What does loving someone well look like?  The question may sound simple, but in fact it is harder than most people think. Most people think that if they say something kind, or do a kind act that is loving well. And yes, that is part of loving well, but really loving someone requires us to sometimes say and do hard things, or things that seem mean.  Part of loving someone well is helping a person take responsibility for a behavior or a choice and not enabling it.  This causes growth in a person's life.  I always say that as long as somebody else is taking responsibility for a behavior, the person that actually needs to take the responsibility does not have to.  This prevents growth.  Growth is pivotal for each one of us in order to have greater intimacy with others, whether it be spouses, siblings, children or partners.  As emotional intimacy in a relationship happens, it becomes easier to deal with hard issues that may arise in the context of the relationship.  Loving someone well calls you to deal with those hard aspects instead of avoiding them.  Loving someone well requires a person to take ownership of an act or words that may have harmed someone instead of casting blame for those actions or making an excuse for them. Whatever your situation may be, make sure you take inventory of your relationships and what you might need to change in order to love well. 

Melissa

It’s early March and spring training starts this week.  Spring training for the uninformed is the reminder to baseball fans that this year might be the year.  I am a Detroit Tigers fan… those of you with any knowledge of my beloved team will know that there are more times of distress than times of joy as I follow my team through a season.  Last year was a perfect example:  in first place until the final game of the season, where they lost and found themselves tied with the Minnesota Twins.  They subsequently lost the playoff game and I was (once again) greatly disappointed.  One-hundred sixty-three games, a time of hope, only to see my team be ultimately defeated.  But, it’s a new season!

Sometimes life seems to throw one curve ball after another.  We can’t hit the ball out of the infield, let alone the ballpark.  Let me tell you that life will throw you difficult times as well as wonderful times.  And if you’re in that difficult time, let me encourage you that this is the time where you can begin a new season.  You’re one decision away from beginning a life-restoring journey.

We and Charis Counseling want to be able to assist you in that process.  Whatever the distress, whatever the conflict, whatever the challenge, we will do our best to exhort, encourage, comfort and give direction to the new and healthy direction you wish to head.  The most comforting words for the disappointed and disenchanted baseball fan are: “Wait until next year!”  Well, “next year” is here and we’re looking forward to being able to join you in that hopeful journey.

Jim

My wife, sitting next to me on the couch one recent morning, turned to me, holding up her iPhone. "I love this app," she said, pointing to the a graph on the little screen. "Each day I enter my weight and then it shows me my overall results. On days I get discouraged over my perceived lack of progress, this thing shows that my little ups-and-downs are actually moving me steadily toward the goal."

I immediately thought of a client I'd seen the previous day--a woman working through tremendous personal and relational challenges. "I don't think anything has changed," she sighed, having just endured a particularly difficult week. All she could see was the familiar gap between where she was and where she wanted to be. But from my perspective, I recognized the week as a small dip in the overall progress she had been making over the past three months. She needed help in stepping back to take a wider view of the change she had been experiencing.

Of course, taking this wide view lets us be honest about our lack of change too. Token efforts of "good behavior" mean little if there is no over-all move in a new direction. In marriages, for example, wives remain unimpressed by sporadic expressions of affection from a husband who generally ignores her. On the other hand, momentary neglect is easily overlooked by a spouse who generally feels cared for. What you are moving toward is more important that what you do today or where you've been in the past. It's your progress that matters most.

Even without an iPhone app you can still take a wide view of change. Don't ignore the steady work God has been doing in your life. When you get discouraged about where you are, step back and look again; be encouraged by how far you've come.

Tim Tedder

"No no no no no no...no!" My 18 month old nephew had his arms firmly folded across his chest and his eye's double dog dared me to try to put that shirt on him.  We had gone around like this at least 3 times..."Elliott, do you want to go outside?" I would ask to which he resolutely stated "Yes!".  Now I had him..."Okay well you have to put your shirt on, its coooollldddd" (picture me pretending to shiver to show him just how cold it is outside). I received no response. As I reached for his arm and started to snake his hand through the shirt he snatched it back, folded his arms across his chest and we were back to square one "no no no no no no....NO!"

Many parents at this point feel a variety of things: frustrated, irritated, probably tired, and a lot of times guilt!  Yep, Christian guilt no less. Their child is NOT going to disobey them...words like "strong willed" start floating around their heads and they are now determined to "make" their child bend to their will (how else will he bend to God's? we rationalize). The sign of a good parent is, after all, a child who listens.  However, if we stop and take into consideration what is going on with our child developmentally and emotionally we might make a different choice.  Around this age children are beginning to find their own will and own independence which we want them to do in order to have healthy relationships in the future.  They also want to know why.  They are curious and want to make connections between putting that shirt on and being cold.  They want to have a voice and be heard. This is one of the first times that as parents you're given the chance to shame them or allow them to develop autonomy with your guidance. Trust me, if autonomy is not developed here, it will be developed later and usually not with your guidance. So instead of a spank, or wrestling with that child on the floor while they are writhing and screaming and you both emerge bloody but he's got that shirt on, you can look for creative ways to help form his will, not strip him of it.

I decided to try one more thing. I asked Elliott again if he wanted to go outside and he did. So we went into the 45 degree Florida morning weather with his shirt in my hand.  He looked at me as soon as we stepped out and we both shivered (for real this time).  And when I asked him to put his shirt on he smiled and helped me do it!  Now of course this will not always work, and is not appropriate for every situation, however, if we can change our mindset from winning every battle to developing a confident and emotionally strong toddler, our children benefit. It takes a strong parent to "lose" a battle for your child's benefit but the outcome is well worth it!

February. The month of Love.  At least Hallmark says it is.  Everywhere we go there is red, white, and pink hearts, flowers, chocolate and other paraphernalia telling us to remember the ones we love.  Although there is nothing wrong with the stuff that comes along with Valentine's Day, the reality is that we should do doing exactly what Valentine's Day encourages us to do every day, not just February 14.  As a counselor, I know that many things come along in out relationships that prevent us from expressing how we feel.  Our feelings can get hurt, and when that hurt is not validated and anger is harbored.  As that happens walls are slowly built up in the relationship.  Those walls of self-protection can become thicker in time if not dealt with.

As Valentine's Day comes upon us, remember it is just a symbol of what should be happening every day in our relationships.  If you find yourself in a relationship and you recognize a pattern of self-protection, more than likely there is hurt or pain that has not been addressed.  The counselors at Charis Counseling would love to help you walk through the healing process.  

Melissa