Charis Orlando - Staff Blog

The Common Cold

2012-02-06T15:07:11Z

I have been coughing for a month and it is probably been the most frustrating illness I have had in quite some time. I have a cold. Or, probably more accurately, I suffer from “the common cold”. I wish it were more dramatic, that descriptor. Something like “The Phlegmatic Flare-up” or “The Pulmonary Piranha”, because at times it feels as if evil little fish are swimming around in my lungs causing all kinds of pain and mischief. But, alas, I am left with no other categorization than “I have a cold.” It’s not a very impressive illness and everyone seems to respond by saying “Oh, me too.”

Sometimes, the most emotionally difficult hurdles to jump are seemingly the smaller ones. The co-worker that talks behind your back, the friend who stands you up, the spouse that just doesn’t seem to care about what you’re going through to the extent that you want him or her to. I find that it’s not the dramatic challenges and difficulties that are the most dangerous; it’s the little ones that don’t seem to be or shouldn’t be so hard. No one can fully understand or comprehend that the small and seemingly insignificant difficulties that we encounter every day are the ones that sap our energies the most. And it’s during those times that we need to be most on our guard. You see, the common cold can become pneumonia if it is not dealt with appropriately. And the small stressors can become roots of bitterness and anger that can lead to bad decisions and chronically bad attitudes.

Solomon stated in his “Song of Songs” that it’s the little foxes that spoil the vine and the Apostle Paul writes in I Corinthians 10:13 that: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man [there’s that word ‘common’ again!]. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” So my encouragement to you is not to let those “little” frustrations fester and begin to fetter you. Instead, give them the appropriate attention they need, and then, before God and in the presence of a trusted friend or counselor, allow these wounds to be appropriately dressed and healed and may your physical and emotional “colds” soon be healed!

Jim

The Discipline of Restraint

2012-01-24T16:53:00Z

There are times in life when NOT doing something can usher in a sacred moment. I had one recently. I learned a lot from this moment, and I want to share.

My energetic, bright, and confident daughter brought me a few pages of an essay that I had seen her working on for the past few weeks. She was exceptionally excited about this essay that is a true story of the scariest moment of her life. I was a character in this essay, and I could see in her eyes her need for me to approve of her work. She was proud and delighted to share it with her mom. I sensed in that moment that in believing in her work, she would feel my love for her. How I would value her work was tied to how I felt about her. I could see it.

I read her words out loud. There was so much energy and life in the story. I saw how excited she was to tell this story…but I also saw typos. I saw misspelled words. I saw incorrect placement of commas. I saw how the story wasn’t exactly how it happened.

And I had a choice. I had a choice to use my strengths (insight, assistance, discernment to make changes for the better…people pay me to do these things) or to RESTRAIN. Without a doubt, it was God working in me in that moment. I had been learning about the Discipline of Restraint from one of my mentors, Alicia Britt Chole. I had worked to build up the muscle of restraint. This, my friend, was a test.

I looked at her, mirroring back to her the excitement that she was oozing, and I told her how proud of her I was. I told her that the story kept me on the edge of my seat even when I knew the ending. I gave her a hug. I celebrated her work, and I celebrated her.

Fast forward a week or two. As I picked up my daughters from school, my daughter told me about her day. She said that her teacher read her essay to the class. The teacher praised my daughter, saying that in the history of 25 years of teaching, this was the best essay she has ever read from one of her students.

I, of course, was so pleased that she did well. But I was even more thankful that I had not been a critical, disparaging voice echoing in her heart. Had I corrected her, she would have remembered that her mother only saw the negative. The discipline of restraint saved my daughter the belief that her mother didn’t approve of her.

I sat back and didn’t say what I thought. I held my tongue and offered my heart. I have to say it is one of my proudest moments in the last year, and it is all because I used RESTRAINT.

I will continue to learn to get out of the way, to give less of myself.

Next challenge: critiquing my husband’s sermons.

Laura

Send A Message To Future You

2012-01-16T23:22:14Z

Now that you've got a bit of this year behind you, I know a couple things are likely true. First: you can already write 12 at the end of each date with no more than a momentary consideration. Second: if you even bothered thinking about personal resolutions, you've already forgotten most of them. Happy new year.

How would you like to try something a little different this year? Instead of just thinking about who you'll be a year from now, send a message to that one-year-older you. You can write anything you want and have it sent to you at any future time you want, but here's what I'm going to challenge you to do...

Go to futureme.org and enter your email address (make sure you use and email address you're planning to keep during the time period) and subject into the form on that page.
Write a letter to yourself. If you're not sure what to say, I'd encourage you to copy the questions below, paste them into your letter, and then answer them as honestly as you can.
Now pick the date to receive this letter to yourself. It can be a year from now or many years from now. As long as your email account is still active, the letter will be sent to you. Making the letter private means that nobody else ever sees any part of it. Making it public simply means that others can read the message, but it appears as an anonymous message without any information that identifies who you are.
Send your message and respond to the confirmation email sent to you (to keep people from misusing the service).

---------- copy/past below into futureme.org ----------

Right now, what provides the greatest contentment in my life?

What provides the greatest discontent?

I hope the future me is more...

I hope the future me is less...

What relationship would I most like to see change?

What is one significant thing I could do to improve that relationship, even if nothing else changed?

Will I do it?

One thing I want to tell the future me before I go:

---------- copy/past above into futureme.org ----------

That's all. A year from now, you'll get a letter from the one-year-younger you. In-between now and then, I hope you'll experience some good changes.

Tim Tedder

A Christmas Jingle

2011-12-27T18:43:00Z

Twas' two days after Christmas and all through the house, all people were moving including the mouse. Exchanges were made and thank you's were said in hopes of avoiding a mess.
Hurt feelings were spared and graciousness shared all for the sake of the cause.
The cause is of peace and peace is of God so let the season of peace rest in your heart.

Merry Christmas!

Melissa

The Good News

2011-12-19T14:07:55Z

Christmas is less than a week away and I’m already looking beyond the holiday to the year ahead. Clients of mine have been through very rough sledding this last year, due in part to the perilous economic times we live in. Jobs are in short supply, and good jobs seem to be almost non-existent. However, Christmas provides a good environment for perspective. The man Jesus came to this earth in dire economic times, to a family extremely poor with no hope of any dramatic improvement in their circumstances. He was born in a stable… with neither position nor influence that would allow them to enjoy anything close to being in an adequate environment for the birth of a child. And his life after he was born was immediately in danger from a madman who governed the land in which he was born. Perilous times indeed!

But the Good News of Christ’s birth still speaks to our hearts even two millennia after the actual event. Out of desperation comes hope; out of discouragement comes wonder; and out of confusion comes wisdom. Regardless of your circumstances this Christmas season, Jesus still provides us with perspective. He still calls us to a life of faith, hope, and love, and His birth is the most poignant reminder of God’s overwhelming love for us. And, all believers still exclaim along with the Apostle Peter, “Where else can we go? You have the words of eternal life!” So here’s to a Christmas where our thoughts are turned from ourselves and our own personal problems and predicaments, to the recounting of God’s blessings and a view ahead to the hope He alone can give us. May you enjoy a Christmas with a view to eternity, and be reminded not only of the wisdom of Jesus, but also of the loving sacrifice He was for us all. Merry Christmas!

Jim

Withdrawing - What is that Communicating?

2011-12-16T14:47:41Z

One of the first things I remember learning in my training as Marriage and Family Therapist is this fact from communication theory:

“One cannot NOT communicate.”

The communication axiom, “One cannot NOT communicate,” has much to say (pun intended).

It is very common in couples that one of the partners has strong tendencies to “freeze” in conflict, “flee” from arguments and potentially difficult conversations. We will call this person the “Withdrawer.” This looks like shutting down, walking out of the room, hanging up the phone, and avoiding discussions.

The emotional trust in a relationship can be greatly damaged by the “communication” of not communicating. Sometimes, the partner married to a “Withdrawer” perceives the thoughts and feelings of the “withdrawer” as inherently selfish and narcissistic.

Here is what partners think the “Withdrawer” is saying:

- “I don’t think you are worth the energy to communicate with.”

- “I don’t care enough for you to do what is difficult for me.”

- “I despise that you are so needy.”

- “My needs are more important than yours.”

Sometimes, the “withdrawer” IS thinking that. That is a whole different blog. More often, I find that the “withdrawer” is simply scared.

For most “withdrawers” I know, they are really thinking and feeling the following:

- “I am scared that I will never please you.”

- “I just freeze and don’t know what to say when you are mad.”

- “You are a better arguer than I am and I can’t think that fast.”

- “I want to make you happy, but I don’t know how.”

Sometimes we need help to get out of communication patterns that we are stuck in. If you are a “withdrawer” or married to one, slow down the conversation and communicate what you are experiencing. Be compassionate and give one another the benefit of the doubt!

Laura

The Visit

2011-12-06T15:00:00Z

Yesterday, a new client came into my office and started talking about the discontent in her life. I invited her to tell me her story and before long she was disclosing information that was deeply personal. "I've never told anyone about that before," she confessed. It was another reminder of how vulnerable people are willing to be simply because they trust the counseling process.

It's interesting to consider the conditions under which we allow instant intimate access to some people, especially those in the helping professions. This morning, I made another trip to my dentist to have a loose crown cemented. (It fell out last night during a session. Embarrassing, but that's another story...) The new dental assistant introduced herself to me during the chair's slow recline. Thirty seconds after learning her name, I opened wide while Christy poked and pulled on my teeth. I let this person, who was a stranger just moments ago, wiggle her fingers around in my mouth. Why? Because I trust the process. I had a problem and I believed she could help me, so I granted her access that others don't have.

Counseling is like that, and more. People open up more than their mouths; they often bare their souls to us and invite us into their private pain, shame, fear, and frustrations. It is an awesome privilege that demands responsibility. We accept that. And we, the counselors at Charis, are sincerely grateful to those who trust us enough to let us join them in those private places.

The Visit
you let me in and lead me through
the rooms that others see
so well prepared, each item there
placed right where it should be

then down a hall and to the left
you press against that thing
that moans against its slow retreat
into the darkening

you shudder as it pulls you down
this old familiar gloom
but rest right there, i'll start a fire
and we'll be warmer soon

Tim Tedder

Following Our Emotions

2011-11-28T18:42:13Z

While speaking with a friend recently about a significant fork in the road she was facing, she described how she wanted to just “do what she wanted” and forget the rest. Forget her family, forget God, forget her morals. Haven’t we all been there? Now maybe we are not all as honest with ourselves as my friend and we will not say we are “forgetting the rest,” we will simply justify how our happiness or our emotions are more important.

How often do we hear “follow your heart”, or “what are your emotions telling you?” I struggle with this concept. Please don’t get me wrong I am all for paying attention to our emotions as II believe they have their place in our lives and fully ignoring them can be unhealthy. However, what happens when we follow their every whim? Emotional decision making can be dangerous. Following our instincts can lead us into some pretty dark places especially if we follow them without regard to what we know to be true. While thinking on this over the course of this week, I’ve realized that the discipline of putting aside emotions and following what you know to be true is a daily exercise. It is not only important when at some significant crossroad but even more so in the day to day routine of life when we are less apt to be paying attention to ourselves.

“Our instincts are at war...Each instinct, if you listen to it will claim to be gratified at the expense of the rest...” C.S. Lewis

Julia

Hospitals...Emergencies...Unknowns

2011-11-14T15:07:06Z

Hospitals, emergencies, and unknowns…our health can be a great interruption in our lives and can take us away from the things that we desire to accomplish. There is a reality that our lives are finite and the time that we have needs to be stewarded well. Last week was a hospital week for me. I have a history of gastric bleeds and this one required hospitalization and a blood transfusion. To say I was sobered was an understatement. But these are the best teachable moments we have and here are some of the things I learned or was once again reminded of:

Relationships are most important. Right before I went to the hospital, my wife asked me if I was afraid. I told her no I wasn’t, but I was sad in thinking that I might not see my grandchildren grow up and I would miss her and my kids.
God speaks loudly through our pain. If ever there were a time to realize that I am not in control it’s when I’m ill. God is in control and I am better for acknowledging it and accommodating myself to where He is taking me.
I need to take care of my body. I am an American (with German heritage!) and I push myself too hard and don’t care for my physical body as I should. Nothing like an IV in your arm to remind me that I need to pay more attention to my physical needs.
I need to use my time well. Our lives here on earth are finite and I need to avail myself of the time allotted to me in such a way as to wring every drop of life out of every minute I live.

I could go on, but you get the gist of where I’m going. If you read this, it’s just a friendly reminder to stay focused on the things that matter: your relationship with God, your loved ones, and the tasks that God has privileged you to perform on earth. Everything else is fluff.

Jim

Think Less About My Marriage?

2011-11-07T17:57:37Z

When we are in a place of marital distress, there are several natural responses that may be working against us. One of those responses is to spend every waking (and every dreaming) moment trying to figure out how to improve our marriage. It is understandable. We are worried about our future, or very unhappy, or sick of our situation, and/or pretty darn angry.

What this response looks like is arguing with your spouse in your head, obsessing about how little your spouse has changed, thinking about how unhappy you are, critiquing your spouses every move, strategizing about how you can compel them to change, and many more possibilities.

My next blog will be for the “Avoider” of conflict, but this blog is for the “Pursuer”. The Pursuer is the one who normally tries to fix the relationship, the one who can talk about the marriage for hours on end, the wife who can list her husband’s faults in alphabetical order, for the husband who calls his wife 20 times a day. I think you know who you are.

Sometimes, our most natural and instinctual reactions are the ones most capable of hurting our spouse. They are also the ones we need to pay attention to the most. If you are the “Pursuer” in your relationship, but you don’t feel like your chasing is helping your relationship, I suggest the following beginning step: Think less about your spouse. Stop trying to change them. Spend more time and energy thinking about what you can do to be a better spouse. Find some ways to have more fun in your life. Go out with some friends. Take an art class. Join a Bible Study. Think about going after the goals and dreams that you are putting off until you feel better in your marriage. Give your spouse a little space. Back off a little bit, and who knows, maybe that space you create will be exactly what is needed.

Laura