She is a precious, loving, and sensitive soul and loves to please us, but carrying out instructions is a challenge…with one exception. She wants us to be with her! If we go with her to her room, she is a happy little worker. She smiles, puts away her toys, hangs up her clothes, and all is well in the Demetrician household. She simply needs our presence. Hmmm.
I for one am glad that I have a God who both SENDS ME OUT and GOES WITH ME. Left to my own devices, I can’t “clean the room of my soul” very well without the great Helper’s Presence. I simply can’t carry out the Father’s desires without His sustaining joy, hope, strength, and insight. I would be like my sweet daughter, hopelessly defeated and overwhelmed by an extremely messy room. I am sure I would sit on the floor and cry surrounded by sin, pain, shame, and bitterness knowing I had to do it all on my own. Our loving Father knows our limited capacity, and HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO HELP US. He enjoys being with us. It isn’t annoying to Him, and He doesn’t get tired. He is not like me, mostly helping my daughter just so it will get done.
There are messes that need to be cleaned up and places He is sending you, but rest assured, you are not alone.
Laura
]]>He spends a lot of time focusing on these two women in his attempt to discover a measure of certainty, but fears the risk of choosing one over the other. If John doesn't change his focus, he will likely remain trapped in his confusion until his circumstances degenerate to a point where one or both of his options remove themselves. If this happens, if his choice becomes a choice by default, he will not find much lasting contentment in it.
John is making a critical error. He has failed to understand that unless his decision is based on a firm conviction of who he is and who he is becoming, he is like a rudderless boat caught in a storm, waiting to see which way the wind will blow him. He needs a rudder. He needs a firm conviction about the direction of his life. The clearer that vision becomes to him, the easier this choice will be.
Honestly, once a man is caught up in the emotional turmoil of an affair, it is very difficult for him to pull himself out long enough to give careful consideration to his direction. The passion of his heart is so strong that, once it is set in motion, he feels it must take its course. I have been witness to the numerous shipwrecks at the end of these journeys. But it doesn't have to be this way.
If you are caught in the kind of crisis I've described here, get some help. Talk to a counselor, or a pastor, or a healthy friend. Find your rudder and then move with purpose. But if you are not in this place, all the better. Do the work of rudder-building now while the waters are relatively calm. You'll be better prepared for whatever waves are ahead.
Tim Tedder
Note: This is part of a longer article titled Stuck Between Wife and Lover posted on AffairHealing.com.
I just spent the weekend in Denver at a memorial service for a woman with whom I grew up with. In many ways she had been given the title of second mom to me and my siblings. I have known her since I was 5 years old and our families had spent more than a decade celebrating every holiday together. Her health had been ailing her for quite some time and so Nancy's death came as more of a blessing than anything. Sitting in the memorial service, it was hard to describe the feelings that I had. I was thankful she wasn't suffering anymore, but there was such a sense of loss with it. She was the keeper of secrets. And had a memory of things that I had long forgotten or had not even remembered. Nancy could remember things that I could not. I had not lived near her for many years but whenever I saw her it was like no time had passed. She would ask me things about myself that I had long ago lost interest in, had changed my opinion on, or was in process of rethinking what I thought. I had a history with her that I have not had with any other adult woman. There is such a sense of loss in that. No one will ever be able to replace that.
I was talking with her daughter, my long time friend Tina, and she said something about our friendship that is so true: You can't replace time. No, you cannot. It has made me think more and more about time, life, dreams, and desires. Life is short. Nancy was nearing 80 but lived a full life. It was evident by what people said about her at her memorial. As I listened to what people were saying, but set my gaze on the absolutely majestic Rocky Mountains, I began to think about the concept of a full life for myself. I ask these questions of myself, but I encourage you to ask them of yourself as well. Am I living to my full potential? Am I living well? Am I allowing myself to dream and create? These are just a few to get you started.
I am in the process of asking myself these questions with no conclusions as of yet, but I am enjoying the process of asking them and letting my heart, soul, and thoughts go where they go. Nancy was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination; however, I believe she did not have regrets at the end. I don not want to have regrets either.
Melissa
]]>So, where does anger (frustration, irritability, aggravation) come from? My thought is that it does not come from the actual precipitating events, it comes from inside me. It is a response to my life and its daily activities not going according to my plan. Someone or something has interposed himself or itself in my life to take me off my plans… plans for time usage, plans for productivity, or plans for rest. But those people or events aren’t producing my anger, they are revealing it. Anger is a God-given emotion and is not inherently bad or evil. But anger is prone to go in very dysfunctional directions if we do not handle it correctly. Our anger, properly viewed, is an invitation to a more accurate self-perception and growth. Why do I get upset when my wife does that? Why am I so stressed when I’m late? Why does my lack of knowledge and ability make me so mad? The answer is not a cookie cutter one… one size does not fit all. But our regular irritations are a call to a deeper place where God can speak to us in a more profound manner. God speaks to Cain’s anger at his rejected sacrifice and says: “Why are you angry? …if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” The goal is not to stop being angry, but to be its master and not let that anger lead us into sin. So stop blaming others or events or even God for your anger, and allow Him to take you into a place where you can use that anger to lead you to greater personal insights and more healthy relationships.
Jim
]]>1. Minimize and monitor who your child is with at ALL TIMES. They should never be alone with those you do not know well. Schools and sports teams take measures to prevent authority figures from being alone with children, but this cannot be counted on completely.
2. Be VERY wary of sleepovers! Many adults state that they were sexually abused during a sleepover. I reserve this occasion for families that I completely trust. I explain to the parents what I am comfortable with and offer to pick my children up late.
3. Perpetrators are known to target children in unhappy and disconnected families. Be involved in your children’s relationships, activities, and interests. Being an involved parent has many rewards!
4. Have periodic discussions about boundaries with our bodies, sex, and appropriate touching. Talk naturally and without embarrassment or shame. Let them know that they can ask you any question or tell you anything.
5. My personal opinion is that we need to be even more diligent with children that have vulnerable, trusting, and compassionate personalities. This also applies to children with disabilities.
6. Do not assume that strangers or acquaintances are the only people you need to shelter your children from. Close friends and family are most likely to be the perpetrators.
7. Single parents need to be “on guard” with the people around your children. If you are single and dating, be very careful who you date and expose your children to. Without any objective data in front of me, I have many clients that have been abused by a step-parent. Do not ignore ANY questionable feelings and situations that occur. Take your time in dating and making marriage decisions!
8. Sexual abuse happens to boys as well as girls. Protect your sons, too!
9. ALWAYS go with your gut! Teach your children how to discern healthy people and those that they “feel a little funny around.” I have regular conversations with my children about those we come into contact with. This goes for both those I consider trustworthy and those that I feel may be dangerous or unhealthy. This teaches them in the moment and builds their “gut skills”. If you are not naturally discerning, have someone that you know well come in and teach your child those skills.
AND
10. Pray. I pray often for God to protect each member of my family.
I pray that for you, also!
Laura
]]>Probably not. It's more likely that you reacted in a way that is natural to most of us: either attacking or retreating. Our acts of self-protection are likely to continue until we believe the offender feels enough remorse. But it is at this very point that we may get stuck, especially when the wound feels deep. In response to our pain, we may limit our vulnerability by requiring ongoing penitence without offering hope for pardoning. We punish by withholding our forgiveness.
Last year, a married couple came to see me because they had not been able to move past the husband's affair that had occurred over 10 years ago. I was the latest in a series of counselors they had seen. After a few sessions, it became clear that the wife had no intention of granting forgiveness to her husband. Despite the fact that he had confessed, repented, and never returned to that behavior again, she continued to focus on his betrayal. Her unforgiveness allowed her to stay in control and minimized the risk of being hurt again. But they were miserable; their marriage was full of conflict and void of intimacy.
I finally asked her, "What could your husband say or do that would allow you to begin moving toward forgiveness?" She just stared at me, expressionless, and finally said, "Nothing, because he can't undo the past." At least she was being honest about her position, but her marriage was doomed.
This pattern of requiring penitence without granting pardon can show up in marriages even when the transgressions are relatively small. Little offenses build up into big resentments, and the relationship gets stuck if the offended spouse never grants a pardon. Instead of giving the message, I'm willing to let go of this and leave it in the past, the hurt spouse communicates any of the following:
Can it take time to truly forgive? Yes, and deep hurts often take more time to heal. But consider your partner's relief, not just your own. Don't get stuck in your pain. Find your way to I forgive you.
Tim Tedder
Note: This post is part of the complete article posted on CoupleCareOrlando.com.
I believe that at the end of it all there is hope: Hope of a restored life, of love, of belonging, of connectedness, and joy. So as you reflect, think about what you put your hope in. Is your hope in your husband/wife, your children, your job, a phone call, being thinner, and/or wealthier? Is your hope in a future yet to be determined? Or, is your hope in a God who chose to make himself human, who loves you unconditionally, and who wants to connect and have a relationship with you? Hope abounds in all things. Today, allow yourself to reflect on what this hope may look like for you on your own personal journey.
Julia
]]>This is my Easter theme this year: I can overcome my fears with the confidence that God has my best interests in mind and that I can trust in His pure and unconditional love for me. His Son laid down his life as a sacrifice for us so we can “…draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)
Use this Easter season to bring God into your fears and allow Him to teach you about his grace and mercy. And as we see Him at work in our lives, then, with confidence, we’ll be able to keep our eye on the ball without fear.
Jim
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