I am often deeply moved by the people who come to see me. They have powerful stories to tell—stories of pain and loss, of courage and hope. Recently, during a session with Bill, his tale took an unexpected turn that caused my eyes to flood and spill over in streams. His real name is not Bill, but he gave me permission to tell you this.

Bill, an African-American man in his 60s, and his wife came to counseling for help with their relationship. During their third session, Bill made reference to something significant that happened to him decades ago. "Tell Tim," his wife encouraged. This is the story he told:

During the 1960s, Bill was working as a volunteer to help register new voters in black communities. One day, he joined two other volunteers, one male and one female, in a small Alabama town. A driver dropped them off down the road from the town's main entrance and reminded them that he would return to the same spot later that day. He would sound the car horn three times to let them know he was waiting. 

They completed their work and stood at the edge of town until they heard the three honks, then headed out toward the car. As they walked along the country road, five men stepped out from hiding behind trees. All of the men were white, wearing hoods, and carrying shotguns. 

"They forced us into the woods," Bill recounted, his eyes tear-filled and his voice faltering. "They raped the woman while they branded me and the other guy."

"Show him," his wife prompted.

Bill lifted his left sleeve to reveal a rough circled "K" about 4-inches in diameter burned into his bicep. He lifted the other sleeve to reveal an identical scar. He put his hand over his heart, "They put one here, too, before they let us go."

I cried. To this day, I am still processing all the reasons why his story affected me so significantly. I was abhorred by cruel acts of hatred. I was sorrowful over the pain one man suffered—that many others have suffered—just for being black and troubled by my awareness that I understand so little about that suffering. I was inspired by Bill's obvious journey toward forgiveness. And I felt honored that he trusted me with a story that he has barely told anyone these past 40 years.

As I write this, I still feel the emotional effects of that session. It's not a pleasant feeling, but I'm thankful for it. Thankful that God's grace moves in our hearts to create empathy and compassion. Thankful that others have come alongside me in times of my brokenness and pain. Thankful that a client can make me cry.

Tim Tedder

Much to my surprise our counselor said, “That’s good, I think that’s really good.” And he added, “I can work with that.” He then began to explain how all married couples make their vows with a certain ignorance of who the other person is. Here’s what he explained.

The Old Contract

We basically stand at the altar and say to our future spouse: “The way you look at me, make me laugh, lift me up when I’m down, care for me—all that makes me feel really good. If you keep up this good feeling in me, I’ll sign this contract.” Of course the other spouse is saying the same thing: “The way you look at me, help me out when things get tough, how you touch me, talk to me and love me—it all makes me feel really good. If you keep up this good feeling in me, I’ll sign this contract too.” And off they go to their honeymoon, hand-in-hand, believing they have found the love of their lives and that their spouse will go on making them feel as good as they have been, until…

Why it Doesn’t Work

...one or both partners realizes they don’t feel as good as they used to anymore. Then they often blame the other for not living up to their end of the contract. You would rarely hear this said out loud but internally one or both of the partners is saying: “You used to make me feel good, but now you aren’t doing it anymore. Please live up to your end of the contract or I won’t live up to my end either.” And that’s when a couple will come in and see me for counseling.

Since my wife and I have been in this situation before, I understand what is going on with a couple in this state and I understand why my counselor so many years ago said: “That’s good. I can work with that.” If we are committed to loving the other and staying in the marriage, but we don’t like something or many things about our spouse, then at least we are being honest about how we feel. The contract isn’t working for the couple anymore and it needs to be re-written. \

Assessing the Damage

But before we can do that, we need to assess the damage done under the old contract. Instead of being overly hopeful and creating what counselors like to call a “win-win” situation, I like to create a “lose-lose” situation in which we account for all the things our spouse has disappointed us with over the years—a bad habit that seemed mild early on but has now grown into a full-blown addiction, the passivity and carelessness towards household chores, the lying, the lack of involvement with the kids, the disinterest in sex, the financial burden brought on by one or both spouses, the hurtful words said, the embarrassment—the list can be very long. 

But to properly re-engage in your relationship with your husband or wife, you need to make this list and have feelings about it. You will probably be angry, mad, resentful or bitter about how things didn’t turn out. Only after looking at these things and properly addressing them, can we grieve the loss of a marriage we thought was ours but never was. Only then can we work towards forgiveness, acceptance and repentance. Repentance, because your spouse has the same kind of list and is also working through their feelings of loss over a marriage that never was.

The New Contract

After creating the “lose-lose” situation in which we’ve properly dealt with our losses and have let them go (to the best of our ability), we can start looking at creating a “win-win” situation. Here we re-write our marriage contract to include the negative aspects of our spouse we didn’t think we’d have to live with. In this scenario we together as a couple find ways to overcome an addiction, work towards healthy financial responsibility, commit to being more involved with the children or help out around the home, have regular date nights and regular sexual encounters.

We re-write our marriage contract not by expecting our partner to make us feel good, but by making ourselves feel good by expecting to do the best we can. Then when your counselor asks you, you can say: “I love my wife and some days I even like her.” Or “I love my husband and some days I don’t like him.” This is a more realistic marriage and healthier one, too. As you begin living out your new contract, you’ll find that more often than not, you will not only love your spouse, but that you will like him/her too.

Trent 

One of my favorite movies is “It’s a Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart. The main character, George, is given an amazing gift. He is able to see what his corner of the world would have been like if he had never graced this earth. And he was surprised to see that he had made a difference. He never traveled from his home town; he was not the President of his country or even the mayor of his city. However, the influence he had because he cared for others was monumental.

How about you? What do you do when your birthday rolls around? This year, I encourage you to take a moment and reflect on all the positive ways you have touched the lives of others. Think back on what people have said to you concerning your influence on them. Also, make this a year where you intentionally give back to your family, your community, your world.

It feels good to be celebrated! The key is to let the celebration of self-begin with you!

Sandra

- Is it a practice that we are naturally predisposed to?

- Do we automatically receive it from others?

- Can it really provide a solution to critical challenges?

In this day in age we often think that life will invariably hold us accountable; whether, in the workplace, through governance, something that is innate, or a natural requirement. However, there is an art to personal accountability and the reality is that it comes down to “you”. Whether personal or professional advancement is your ultimate goal, it becomes a daily act of holding yourself accountable for your actions, responsibilities, and goals in life. “Don’t think it, be it!” You cannot just say you want to improve and then just expect yourself to improve. Most individuals wait their entire lives for life to happen to them.

How do you get out of the waiting room of life? For starters, you can’t change the past, tomorrow isn’t promised to us, so your wait ends today. Prove that you can do it and in doing so you will distinguish yourself from the mere act of thinking. To hold yourself to a higher standard you must consider your actions and choices, your goals, and your responsibilities/priorities. Second, you must follow-thru on your commitments and responsibilities with a positive growth producing attitude and discipline. Finally, take control of yourself and seek out the advice, wisdom, and counsel of others who have attained personal accountability in the areas you have made a personal commitment to follow-thru in.

When you take 100% accountability for yourself it becomes an art form. It will ebb and flow, surprise you, turn a corner, or awaken an entirely new reality. Not only will you experience personal growth, you will experience a sense of accomplishment, burdens will be lifted, amends will be made, relationships will flourish, you will gain a new found appreciation of self, others will respect your fortitude, your self-esteem will mend, and you will become an art form and example for others struggling with accountability to look up to and come alongside. Don’t just wait for the opportunity, BE the opportunity.

Alexis

What I have seen this year more than ever is that the Resurrection of Jesus is the event that overrides all others. It is the pivot point of history. God became flesh, lived his life through his Son, and then paid the price of our sin by dying on a cross. But the resurrection trumps the tragedy… it validates and vindicates simultaneously. It validates the claims of Christ as Messiah and vindicates us from the penalty of death. So in a new way, I can echo the Apostle Paul’s emphatic statement: “O death, where is your sting? O grave, where is your victory?”

The Resurrection means that we can have a new start, a new life. And that life begins and ends in God’s Son, our Lord. So as you reflect this week on the festivities and gatherings of the season, ponder anew the reality of life after death, the forgiveness of sins, and the righteous life to which we have been called.

Happy Easter!

Jim

I just passed two couples walking while in my neighborhood. The first couple, togive you a visual picture, was rather ordinary from the first glance. They wore old, dirty tennis shoes and rather old and plain sweatshirts. They looked as though they were walking for exercise, but they walked rather slowly. The second couple was much more attractive and “put together,” and their pace was much faster. They had their arms pumping back and forth to generate speed.

But I noticed something…

The first couple was working harder to stay on the sidewalk. It looked laborious, actually. They even accidentally bumped into one another a few times. They were working hard to stay side-by-side. The second couple was walking with more ease and speed, but the husband was one step in front of the wife.

The challenge is that the narrow sidewalk, much like life, can be managed easier if one just steps in front of the other. But I don’t think the easier way is usually the best way. It’s kind of lonely to be looking ahead onto your path without your spouse in your periphery. And it’s a difficult to always be the one lagging behind. It certainly is more work to not rush ahead and take the lead or to also not let your spouse always rush ahead and clear the path. Some walks we can only take alone. Some walks we lead others. And some walks are meant to be side-by-side. I think the walk of marriage is most beautifully lived out when we bump into one another.

Laura

She hesitates, obviously frustrated with her inability to convince her husband. "Whether you believe me or not, I'm telling you the truth."

"You told me that before and I found out you were still lying. This whole affair was about making me believe one thing while you were doing something else. So how do I know you're being honest now?"

Cara remains silent. Andy shakes his head, then turns to me as I sit in witness of their struggle. "Do you think I should trust her?" he asks, somehow hoping my counselor's insight will provide him with assurance once way or the other. He desperately wants to believe Cara. He wants to believe the affair is over, that she desires him and not the other man, that she is committed to truthfulness, that it is safe for him to risk trusting her again. But her betrayal makes it impossible for him to be convinced, and so he asks me to make a judgment.

I've watched hundreds of couples go through the steps of affair recovery and have listened to many affair confessions. Because of this experience, couples rely on me to guide them through the process of recovery. Like Andy, many betrayed spouses want me to tell them what they ought to believe or not believe. Honestly, I wish I could make it that easy for them, but I can still be fooled by lies, too.

The words of confession are necessary, but they cannot be the only measure of truthfulness since everyone (liars and truth-tellers alike) swears they are speaking honestly. The more accurate measure of sincerity is behavior, not words. When confessing an affair, I've found the following behaviors to be reliable signs of a spouse's honesty or dishonesty.

Signs of a True Confession

1. Selfless remorse. Your spouse shows genuine sorrow over hurting you, not just regret over getting caught. It is expressed in an attitude of humility rather than defensiveness. 

2. Concern for your relief and comfort, not just their own. Your spouse listens to you and attempts to alleviate your pain. They are willing to reach out to you rather than being self-absorbed in their own pain (which is also very real and must be acknowledged).

3. Ongoing commitment to truthfulness. If no secrets remain, your spouse will no longer need to fear discovery. In fact, the relief they experience from finally coming clean will likely move them to ongoing transparency, wanting to assure you of their honesty. (But be aware of this: ongoing interrogations about shameful details of an affair will almost always cause a defensive reaction and will probably not be helpful to you in the long-run.)

4. Willingness to play a major role in the healing process; to fix what they broke. Not every marriage can be repaired, but a repentant spouse is almost always willing to do their part in trying. They accept responsibility for helping you feel safe again and regaining your trust.

Signs of a False Confession

1. Confessions are limited to what has been uncovered. One of my clients referred to this as "trickle truth" since it only came out a little at a time as she found new evidences of his lies. Spouses who grudingly confess to each new bit of discovered evidence are only admitting to what they have to admit. True confessions will almost always include more than what you already know. 

2. Confusion, not clarity, tends to be the outcome of any discussion about "the truth." When it is hard to make sense of your spouse's story, then it is likely that they are being deceptive. Full honesty tends to make things very clear, even though it often reveals an ugly picture. But deception is full of awkward twists, and turns, and unexpected dead-ends. When you are listening to lies, you will likely leave the conversation being just as confused (or even more confused) than before.

3. Quick shifts to defensiveness and blaming when questions are asked about the affair. Once a person has decided to tell the truth, it is an easy thing to do. In fact, it's easier than managing the lies. But if your spouse is still lying, they will want to shift the focus away from themselves (since it is dangerous if too much attention is given to their story) by either becoming defensive (shutting down) or turning the tables by blaming you.

4. Expectation that you do the major work in recovery rather than accepting the responsibility themselves. If your spouse claims to have made a full confession and then leaves you to do the major work in fixing your marriage, something isn't right. Here are a couple examples: (1) Instead of taking the intiative to create a trustworthy environment, your spouse expects you to provide a checklist for change ("Just tell me what you expect me to do.") that is reluctantly followed. (2) Your spouse leaves it up to you to fight for the boundaries that help you feel safe rather than voluntarily establishing new rules for outside relationships. Genuine confession should be followed by genuine change.

As you assess your spouse's sincerity, be aware that your hurt may cloud your judgement. Your fear of being betrayed again will cause you to be hyper-sensitive to any inconsistency in your spouse's words or behavior. Although you certainly need the assurance of your spouse's consitent commitment to truthfulness, do not expect perfection. Be willing to give some grace and rely on the input of good friends and counselors in helping you assess the trustworthiness of your spouse's confession.

Tim Tedder

It’s not the draw of an addiction that pulls us in to its allure.  It’s the surrounding issues in our life that push us to an addiction.  What was going on in your life at the time your addiction started? And what is going on right now as you continue to go to it?  Did life take some rather drastic turns, ones you couldn’t reconcile in your heart?  Were you overwhelmingly sad, depressed, angry, ashamed of yourself or others?  Was there a break in significant relationships or with family members?

What is it today that keeps you going back to your addictions?  It may not be the same thing that started the addiction in the first place.  What is it in life that triggers you to consider doing something you know you’re going to regret?  Is it anxiety, depression, feeling out of control, certain conversations with people, work environment, being exhausted, tired, hungry or angry?  Alcoholics Anonymous has an acronym for checking in with yourself when you are tempted to start drinking—HALT—are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

Whatever it is for you that keeps you living a life of compromise, there is hope that you can change.  You do not have to keep going to your addiction.  But it won’t happen overnight and it won’t be easy.  Here are some pointers on how to overcome an addiction:

1.      Start by checking in with yourself about what you’re feeling when you want to indulge.  Spend 5 to 10 minutes doing that, then go on and succumb to your addiction if you must.  Do that for a week or a month.

2.      Check in on your feelings for 10 to 20 minutes and journal about what you’re feeling.  Again, succumb to your vice if you can’t stay away. Do that for a week or a month. 

3.      Check in for 10 to 20 minutes, journal and call a trusted friend who knows about your addiction.  Tell them what you’re going to do, and again if you can’t fight the urge, indulge in your addiction.

4.      Check in with yourself, journal about it, call a friend and ask them to come be with you as you struggle with your urges to act out.  If you can’t stay away from your addiction even with your friend present, indulge in it.

Surprised at the above steps to healing?  So was I when I started dealing with my own struggles.  But here’s what happens:

1.      By slowing down the process and taking a break from acting out, I was able to begin identifying what was going on in my heart that made me want to act out.  I realized there are feelings of insecurity, restlessness, anxiety, depression, sadness, anger and more that trigger me to feel like I deserve to act out.

2.      By giving myself freedom to act out after the exercise, I wouldn’t skip on doing the emotional work.  Through it I also learned to give myself grace and an understanding that addictions run deeper than just another poor decision.  I learned to have compassion on myself for my struggle.

3.      As I continued to spend time processing what was going on in my heart and then involving other people in my addiction, it became harder to follow through on my commitment to act out.  With friends there, I couldn’t continue hurting myself without feeling some responsibility to them and myself.

In all this, give yourself time and know that growing out of an addiction into healthy living is extremely difficult and not for the faint-hearted.  It might be the hardest emotional work you’ll ever do and those that don’t struggle like you do have no idea how hard it is.  If you are a person who believes in a God, pray for strength in your struggle, grace as you fall, and love as you begin to address the feelings in your heart.  Recovery is possible.

Trent Murray 

In saying this, true joy comes from the Lord, which brings a peace that passes all understanding. I have found that even in the midst of a defeating day I am better off to force myself to think of things which I am grateful for, no matter how insignificant they may seem. Coupled with the peace that the Lord promises, I am able to restructure my thinking which gives me a different perspective, thus changing how I react to the tough events.  Don’t get me wrong there have been days that I wallowed in the things that brought me grief. I allowed myself to get wrapped up in the details of it all, which only increased my pain and frustration. In the end the only thing I accomplished was increasing the number of days that I was negatively affected by the event. 

Do not allow outside circumstances to steal your joy or peace. You may not be in control of things that happen to you, but you are the only one who can control how you will handle them.

Robin