John is stuck between his loyalty to his wife and his love for another woman. For the past few weeks, he's been vacillating between them, hoping for a clear indication of which one will bring him maximum happiness or minimum regret.

He spends a lot of time focusing on these two women in his attempt to discover a measure of certainty, but fears the risk of choosing one over the other. If John doesn't change his focus, he will likely remain trapped in his confusion until his circumstances degenerate to a point where one or both of his options remove themselves. If this happens, if his choice becomes a choice by default, he will not find much lasting contentment in it.

John is making a critical error. He has failed to understand that unless his decision is based on a firm conviction of who he is and who he is becoming, he is like a rudderless boat caught in a storm, waiting to see which way the wind will blow him. He needs a rudder. He needs a firm conviction about the direction of his life. The clearer that vision becomes to him, the easier this choice will be.

Honestly, once a man is caught up in the emotional turmoil of an affair, it is very difficult for him to pull himself out long enough to give careful consideration to his direction. The passion of his heart is so strong that, once it is set in motion, he feels it must take its course. I have been witness to the numerous shipwrecks at the end of these journeys. But it doesn't have to be this way.

If you are caught in the kind of crisis I've described here, get some help. Talk to a counselor, or a pastor, or a healthy friend. Find your rudder and then move with purpose. But if you are not in this place, all the better. Do the work of rudder-building now while the waters are relatively calm. You'll be better prepared for whatever waves are ahead.

Tim Tedder
Note: This is part of a longer article titled Stuck Between Wife and Lover posted on AffairHealing.com. 

Julia

Hospitals, emergencies, and unknowns…our health can be a great interruption in our lives and can take us away from the things that we desire to accomplish.  There is a reality that our lives are finite and the time that we have needs to be stewarded well.  Last week was a hospital week for me.  I have a history of gastric bleeds and this one required hospitalization and a blood transfusion.  To say I was sobered was an understatement.  But these are the best teachable moments we have and here are some of the things I learned or was once again reminded of:

• Relationships are most important.  Right before I went to the hospital, my wife asked me if I was afraid.  I told her no I wasn’t, but I was sad in thinking that I might not see my grandchildren grow up and I would miss her and my kids.
• God speaks loudly through our pain.  If ever there were a time to realize that I am not in control it’s when I’m ill.  God is in control and I am better for acknowledging it and accommodating myself to where He is taking me.
• I need to take care of my body.  I am an American (with German heritage!) and I push myself too hard and don’t care for my physical body as I should.  Nothing like an IV in your arm to remind me that I need to pay more attention to my physical needs.
• I need to use my time well.  Our lives here on earth are finite and I need to avail myself of the time allotted to me in such a way as to wring every drop of life out of every minute I live.

I could go on, but you get the gist of where I’m going.  If you read this, it’s just a friendly reminder to stay focused on the things that matter: your relationship with God, your loved ones, and the tasks that God has privileged you to perform on earth.  Everything else is fluff.

Jim

When we are in a place of marital distress, there are several natural responses that may be working against us.  One of those responses is to spend every waking (and every dreaming) moment trying to figure out how to improve our marriage.  It is understandable. We are worried about our future, or very unhappy, or sick of our situation, and/or pretty darn angry. 

What this response looks like is arguing with your spouse in your head, obsessing about how little your spouse has changed, thinking about how unhappy you are, critiquing your spouses every move, strategizing about how you can compel them to change, and many more possibilities.

My next blog will be for the “Avoider” of conflict, but this blog is for the “Pursuer”.  The Pursuer is the one who normally tries to fix the relationship, the one who can talk about the marriage for hours on end, the wife who can list her husband’s faults in alphabetical order, for the husband who calls his wife 20 times a day.  I think you know who you are.  

Sometimes, our most natural and instinctual reactions are the ones most capable of hurting our spouse.  They are also the ones we need to pay attention to the most.  If you are the “Pursuer” in your relationship, but you don’t feel like your chasing is helping your relationship, I suggest the following beginning step:  Think less about your spouse.  Stop trying to change them.  Spend more time and energy thinking about what you can do to be a better spouse.  Find some ways to have more fun in your life.  Go out with some friends. Take an art class.  Join a Bible Study.  Think about going after the goals and dreams that you are putting off until you feel better in your marriage. Give your spouse a little space.  Back off a little bit, and who knows, maybe that space you create will be exactly what is needed.

Laura 

This week alone I sat with five different teenagers all describing intense anxiety, worrying, stomach problems, and problems sleeping. Upon further exploration it was revealed that most of this worry comes from school and friends. Did you know that 84% of teenagers describe themselves as overwhelmed and suffer psychological consequences because of it. So how do you as a parent encourage excellence from your teenager without adding to this pressure, and how can you help relieve the stress they already feel?

1. Listen: This is the number one thing you can do to help your teen manage their stress. Listen empathetically without trying to fix their problems. Also, avoid telling them how they could have done it differently. Try to stay away from statements such as “Well, if you had only.... you wouldn’t be in this position.” Chances are they already know, and telling them now will not help their current position. Say things like “I know what its like to have that big of a deadline looming,” or “that sounds like its really getting to you”. Further you want to make statements and ask questions that encourage further discussion from your teen.

2. Encourage healthy eating and sleeping patterns: Teens who eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly can manage stress with less psychological consequences. While I know that you can’t control what they do, you can make sure nutritious food is available to them, and model a healthy lifestyle yourself.

3. Watch your expectations: Make sure your teen knows you expect excellence and not perfection. Perfection is toxic and can lead to stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

4. Encourage them to “be vague”: So many teens come to me with one plan for their life, make valedictorian, get into (Insert prestigious school here), and become a (insert high power job here). While its great to have a plan and goals, they need to be flexible. There are things outside of their control for all of those goals so they are not appropriate to have. Encourage them to have goals that are only within their control. Strive for excellence with their grades, get into a good school, and major in something they enjoy and will be able to provide them with a future.

Making these small changes with your teen can help them lead a balanced and less stressed life, giving them less anxiety and irritability. A win win for everyone! 

Julia