Entries in communication (7)
A lot has been going on in my life—both good and bad. My client load has increased and counseling three years in a row gives me more joy than I ever thought possible in a job. Charis Counseling is a great place to work and the people here treat me well while I get to help clients walk through some difficulties in their life, trying to make sense of it and offering them hope for a changed life and a brighter tomorrow. Its hard work, but I love it, am good at it and enjoy the role I get to play in people’s lives.
But there are things going on in my personal life that make me sad and discouraged. Why am I not getting along with my wife lately? How is it that a marriage counselor who knows a lot about how to be in a healthy relationships can’t apply it in his own home? Maybe I know too much and I'm trying too hard to see the same results many of my clients are seeing. Whatever has worked for us in the past doesn't seem to be anymore? Did I go wrong somewhere or is she not doing her part to make this marriage a success? These are some of the questions I’ve been wrestling with lately.
It all came to a head for me last week when I was asked to speak at Northland’s Marriage 911 group and I shared the story of how Kelly and I met, got engaged are were married. After the first few years our marriage took a turn for the worse and conflict became the norm in our household. I was the overbearing husband who always wanted to resolve things and would hound my wife to engage while she just tried to steer clear of my confrontations and anger. This is where we found ourselves after 8 years, sitting down with Jim Keller (founder of Charis Counseling) to talk about our probelms.
Finally, after 8 years, he helped us wade through our issues and we began to see things turn around for the better. But it didn’t happen the way I thought it would. After seeing my wife for the first session, he asked to see me alone. After talking for a long time about our marriage and its problems, he finally said: “It seems to me that you think you have a few issues that contribute to your unhealthy relationship, but that Kelly has a lot more to work on and if she got her act together and dealt with her issues, things would be good.” In full confidence I said: “Yeah, that’s pretty much it!” to which he responded, “I don’t think so! You have some things you are contributing to this unhealthy relationship and they are just as big or bigger than the issues Kelly is bringing to the marriage.” I couldn’t believe my ears. How dare he say such a thing? He continued on: “Trent, I know Kelly isn’t perfect and has her own issues, but as the man in the relationship, you have got to get on your hands and knees and beg God to give you the grace and mercy to love your wife just as she is! It’s the only way your marriage and you will make it out of this alive.”
As I shared this with the audience last week, I began to tear up because I remember how powerfully that hit me many years ago and that I really hadn’t been loving Kelly in a way that was unconditional and accepting of where she was. And yet this was the exact thing I wanted from her, to love me unconditionally and accept me with my issues. The main point of my talk was “You don’t need your spouse to change for your marriage to get better!”
After giving my talk at Marriage 911, I was excited because it had an obvious impact on the 80+ in attendance and many shared with me how hard and yet encouraging it was to hear my message. As the audience broke up into smaller groups to discuss what I had shared, many voiced that they too were guilty of always looking to their partner to change instead of looking at their own issues.
I drove home excited to tell Kelly how my talk had gone and that I was blessed to have had an influence on the couples who attended that night. After walking through the door however, I was met with a hostile tone and the complaint that I was home a lot later than she had expected. I brushed it off and tried to share about my excitement but it was of no use. She asked if I had heard what she’d said, to which I got defensive and a few minutes later we were fighting. Further into our discourse and now visibly upset I finally yelled: “I have clients who pay me for advice you won’t even take for free” and something else about a prophet not being honored in his hometown (it’s a bible reference)!
Do you see the discrepancy in my life? I know what it takes to live in healthy relationships. It’s utter and total abandonment of self, giving up what you hold dear (my excitement about my talk) and loving the other person where they’re at (disappointed that I came home late). And yet here I was, having just preached about needing to love our spouses and yet unwilling to do it myself. Guess I still have more to learn about my issues and what it means to really love my wife and accept her as she is. Even though I'm good at what I do, I still find it hard to practice what I preach.
It is “Self-Injury Awareness” month so I wanted to take the opportunity to focus on what defines self-injury and how to recognize it in friends and family.
There are myths and stigmas attached to self-harming that I would like to address. Contrary to popular belief, people that self-harm are not doing so to get attention. In fact, most of those who cut or harm themselves do not want others to know. They carry a sense of shame and guilt not a sense of pride. When they show their scars or marks to others it is a plea for help not a cry for attention. Another false belief is that people who harm themselves are dangerous and should be avoided. In reality, people who self-harm are merely using this as a means to cope with emotional distress. They typically have no intention of harming those around them. Another common mistake believed is that if the wounds or marks from self-harming are not severe, then the problem is also not severe. Do not equate the depth of a gash with the depth of pain the self-injurious individual feels. These two aspects have little to do with each other.
It is important to be aware of the signs and symptoms of self-harming:
- Isolation for long periods of time- The person will need time alone to act out on the urge.
- Irritability and mood swings- A buildup of emotions will occur prior to a self-harming episode, which will then be followed by a state of calm.
- Wearing covering clothing- A person may wear long sleeves or pants to cover up the marks. This behavior is more apparent during the warmer seasons of the year.
- Unexplained blood marks- These can be found on the clothes of the individual, as well as, on towels, sheets, and tissues.
- Continuously being in possession of sharp objects- These objects include but are not limited to knives, lighters, nails, paper clips, and razors.
- Claiming to be “clumsy”- A self-harming individual will use clumsiness as an excuse to cover up the behavior when questioned about marks or scars.
- Unexplained marks or scars- Marks that cannot be explained or reasoned away are a tell-tale sign of self-injurious behavior. However, it is not uncommon for a person to be occasionally unaware of being cut, scraped, or bruised. If this becomes a pattern then it is typically a red flag.
If someone you love appears to be portraying the warning signs for self-injurious behavior, it is pertinent that this person receives the help he/she needs.
- This is a matter that must be treated delicately. Being aware of how to approach the person is of the utmost importance.
- Remember to first get your own emotions in check before beginning a discussion with your loved one about your concern. Process your feelings with someone else or seek guidance from a professional.
- Do research on what causes self-injurious behaviors.
- Once you are prepared to approach the person, refrain from using attacking language, such as “you messages.” Instead, use “I statements” such as “I am deeply concerned. I am here for you and will help in any way that I can.”
- Voice your concerns in a loving manner. Be careful to make the discussion about him/her and not about you.
- Encourage your loved one to feel free to talk openly and honestly. As stated earlier there is a sense of shame and guilt that comes along with this behavior so your loved one may not be ready to have an open discussion right away.
- Keep the lines of communication open for when he/she is ready to talk. Empathize with the difficulty of dealing with the day-in-and-day-out activities of life. Be compassionate and understanding.
- Steer clear of judgmental statements or comments.
- Be supportive and encouraging if your loved one makes the choice to seek out a professional. Having a counselor’s information to pass along may be helpful in this situation.
As I counsel clients in this painful situation, my role is to direct each one in processing the internal pain that is driving the self-injurious behavior. But, I am also able to give them hope. I commend them for coming into counseling because reaching out is a good first step in healing. Although it is a long process, a client can learn how to feel the pain instead of injuring to deal with it. My main objective is letting them know they are not alone and healing is possible.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm is a website that offers facts and coping techniques about Self-Injury.
“He’s not calling!!! Why is he not calling?” These words kept running through my mind. “*Andrew said he would let me know if we were going to hang out tonight, so why isn’t he trying to reach me?” I struggled with whether or not to call him. It was 4 in the afternoon and I still didn’t know how my evening was going to pan out.
This was my mental battle one night a few years ago…confusing and frustrating at best. It was a new relationship. Andrew and I had made potential plans for an evening date. Either a movie or dinner was on our agenda. One of the issues was the busy day he had and he was not sure if he was going to finish all his commitments in time to go out. He said he would let me know later in the day if he would be available. My response was to ask him to keep me updated.
This is where my unspoken expectation led to disappointment. I wish I had asked him to define…later. When he contacted me at 10 that night, I felt let down, grumpy and irritable. I had turned down other offers from my friends in anticipation of an evening with him.
The next day I began to think about my disappointment and what had happened. And, I wondered: from where do expectations come?
Typically they stem from two places:
- Past experiences
Mine came from the former.
Families play a huge part in what we believe and to what standard we hold others. In this scenario the phrase “keep me updated” is a commonly used request in my family. It means that if we are making tentative plans, we will keep in contact with one another to update if we can keep the date. If we encounter anything that will affect our plans we make it a priority to inform them immediately. This is done out of respect for the other person.
Every family has a belief system. It may not be verbalized but it is implied through the family’s conduct. My belief system involved respecting other people’s time as if it is our own. When I did not hear from Andrew until 10 o'clock I felt like my time was not respected. Honestly, it offended me.
Here are some tips on how to have healthy relationships in spite of expectations and belief systems:
- Recognize what expectations are present.
- Decide what belief is attached to that expectation.
- Determine if the expectation is reasonable and realistic. (Are you asking too much of another individual? If so, dig deeper to try and figure out why you would have such high unattainable goals for another person.)
- If the expectation is reasonable and achievable, express the expectation to the other person.
- Be specific. (You have a right to your needs and you have a right to express why they are important to you.)
- Allow room for negotiation and compromise. (The other person may not feel the same way you do or may need to tweak something in order for it to meet both of your needs.)
- Follow through with what you have agreed upon as suitable to your relationship in terms of expectations.
I have learned to follow these steps in my relationships. I realize if I had known this information several years ago, the evening would have had a different ending.
I would have communicated with Andrew that if he was not able to free himself by 4, I would be able to go out with my friends and we could have a date another day. Instead of going to bed disappointed, I would have enjoyed an evening with friends and the satisfaction that my needs and expectations were being met in my relationship with Andrew.
*Name has been changed to protect privacy
One of the first things I remember learning in my training as Marriage and Family Therapist is this fact from communication theory:
“One cannot NOT communicate.”
The communication axiom, “One cannot NOT communicate,” has much to say (pun intended).
It is very common in couples that one of the partners has strong tendencies to “freeze” in conflict, “flee” from arguments and potentially difficult conversations. We will call this person the “Withdrawer.” This looks like shutting down, walking out of the room, hanging up the phone, and avoiding discussions.
The emotional trust in a relationship can be greatly damaged by the “communication” of not communicating. Sometimes, the partner married to a “Withdrawer” perceives the thoughts and feelings of the “withdrawer” as inherently selfish and narcissistic.
Here is what partners think the “Withdrawer” is saying:
- “I don’t think you are worth the energy to communicate with.”
- “I don’t care enough for you to do what is difficult for me.”
- “I despise that you are so needy.”
- “My needs are more important than yours.”
Sometimes, the “withdrawer” IS thinking that. That is a whole different blog. More often, I find that the “withdrawer” is simply scared.
For most “withdrawers” I know, they are really thinking and feeling the following:
- “I am scared that I will never please you.”
- “I just freeze and don’t know what to say when you are mad.”
- “You are a better arguer than I am and I can’t think that fast.”
- “I want to make you happy, but I don’t know how.”
Sometimes we need help to get out of communication patterns that we are stuck in. If you are a “withdrawer” or married to one, slow down the conversation and communicate what you are experiencing. Be compassionate and give one another the benefit of the doubt!
I don’t know of anyone that actually likes conflict. I certainly know some who do better at it than others… like my wife, for instance! It’s not that she can out-argue me, it’s just that her perseverance is so much better that I eventually raise the white flag because I, in wimp-like fashion, am too tired to proceed. Doing conflict well is an art, not a science. But there are some things to keep in mind that might help you develop your ability to fight in a productive manner. Here’s the list:
- Keep your communication short… don’t lecture each other.
- Don’t use absolutes (I almost said “Never use absolutes” :)
- Concentrate on listening and not what you’re going to say next.
- Work toward a mutually agreed upon solution, not who will win and who will lose.
If you follow these simple guidelines I am convinced that you will not only see better conflict resolution, but also less volatile conflict when you have it. Last, let me remind you that just because you don’t have a lot of conflict doesn’t mean that it’s not there. Conflict communicated is better than ill-feelings stuffed inside. So when you fight, fight fair!