I have been coughing for a month and it is probably been the most frustrating illness I have had in quite some time.  I have a cold.  Or, probably more accurately, I suffer from “the common cold”.  I wish it were more dramatic, that descriptor.  Something like “The Phlegmatic Flare-up” or “The Pulmonary Piranha”, because at times it feels as if evil little fish are swimming around in my lungs causing all kinds of pain and mischief.  But, alas, I am left with no other categorization than “I have a cold.”  It’s not a very impressive illness and everyone seems to respond by saying “Oh, me too.”

Sometimes, the most emotionally difficult hurdles to jump are seemingly the smaller ones.  The co-worker that talks behind your back, the friend who stands you up, the spouse that just doesn’t seem to care about what you’re going through to the extent that you want him or her to.  I find that it’s not the dramatic challenges and difficulties that are the most dangerous; it’s the little ones that don’t seem to be or shouldn’t be so hard.  No one can fully understand or comprehend that the small and seemingly insignificant difficulties that we encounter every day are the ones that sap our energies the most.  And it’s during those times that we need to be most on our guard.  You see, the common cold can become pneumonia if it is not dealt with appropriately.  And the small stressors can become roots of bitterness and anger that can lead to bad decisions and chronically bad attitudes. 

Solomon stated in his “Song of Songs” that it’s the little foxes that spoil the vine and the Apostle Paul writes in I Corinthians 10:13 that: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man [there’s that word ‘common’ again!].  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”  So my encouragement to you is not to let those “little” frustrations fester and begin to fetter you.  Instead, give them the appropriate attention they need, and then, before God and in the presence of a trusted friend or counselor, allow these wounds to be appropriately dressed and healed and may your physical and emotional “colds” soon be healed!

Jim

There are times in life when NOT doing something can usher in a sacred moment.  I had one recently.  I learned a lot from this moment, and I want to share. 

My energetic, bright, and confident daughter brought me a few pages of an essay that I had seen her working on for the past few weeks.  She was exceptionally excited about this essay that is a true story of the scariest moment of her life.  I was a character in this essay, and I could see in her eyes her need for me to approve of her work.  She was proud and delighted to share it with her mom.  I sensed in that moment that in believing in her work, she would feel my love for her.  How I would value her work was tied to how I felt about her. I could see it.

I read her words out loud.  There was so much energy and life in the story. I saw how excited she was to tell this story…but I also saw typos. I saw misspelled words. I saw incorrect placement of commas. I saw how the story wasn’t exactly how it happened.

And I had a choice.  I had a choice to use my strengths (insight, assistance, discernment to make changes for the better…people pay me to do these things) or to RESTRAIN.  Without a doubt, it was God working in me in that moment.  I had been learning about the Discipline of Restraint from one of my mentors, Alicia Britt Chole.  I had worked to build up the muscle of restraint.  This, my friend, was a test. 

I looked at her, mirroring back to her the excitement that she was oozing, and I told her how proud of her I was. I told her that the story kept me on the edge of my seat even when I knew the ending. I gave her a hug.  I celebrated her work, and I celebrated her. 

Fast forward a week or two.  As I picked up my daughters from school, my daughter told me about her day.  She said that her teacher read her essay to the class.  The teacher praised my daughter, saying that in the history of 25 years of teaching, this was the best essay she has ever read from one of her students. 

I, of course, was so pleased that she did well. But I was even more thankful that I had not been a critical, disparaging voice echoing in her heart.  Had I corrected her, she would have remembered that her mother only saw the negative.  The discipline of restraint saved my daughter the belief that her mother didn’t approve of her. 

I sat back and didn’t say what I thought.  I held my tongue and offered my heart.  I have to say it is one of my proudest moments in the last year, and it is all because I used RESTRAINT.

I will continue to learn to get out of the way, to give less of myself. 

Next challenge:  critiquing my husband’s sermons.

Laura

Christmas is less than a week away and I’m already looking beyond the holiday to the year ahead.  Clients of mine have been through very rough sledding this last year, due in part to the perilous economic times we live in.  Jobs are in short supply, and good jobs seem to be almost non-existent.  However, Christmas provides a good environment for perspective.  The man Jesus came to this earth in dire economic times, to a family extremely poor with no hope of any dramatic improvement in their circumstances.  He was born in a stable… with neither position nor influence that would allow them to enjoy anything close to being in an adequate environment for the birth of a child.  And his life after he was born was immediately in danger from a madman who governed the land in which he was born.  Perilous times indeed!

But the Good News of Christ’s birth still speaks to our hearts even two millennia after the actual event.  Out of desperation comes hope; out of discouragement comes wonder; and out of confusion comes wisdom.  Regardless of your circumstances this Christmas season, Jesus still provides us with perspective.  He still calls us to a life of faith, hope, and love, and His birth is the most poignant reminder of God’s overwhelming love for us.  And, all believers still exclaim along with the Apostle Peter, “Where else can we go?  You have the words of eternal life!”  So here’s to a Christmas where our thoughts are turned from ourselves and our own personal problems and predicaments, to the recounting of God’s blessings and a view ahead to the hope He alone can give us.  May you enjoy a Christmas with a view to eternity, and be reminded not only of the wisdom of Jesus, but also of the loving sacrifice He was for us all.  Merry Christmas!

Jim

One of the first things I remember learning in my training as Marriage and Family Therapist is this fact from communication theory:

“One cannot NOT communicate.”

The communication axiom, “One cannot NOT communicate,” has much to say (pun intended).

It is very common in couples that one of the partners has strong tendencies to “freeze” in conflict, “flee” from arguments and potentially difficult conversations.  We will call this person the “Withdrawer.”  This looks like shutting down, walking out of the room, hanging up the phone, and avoiding discussions.

The emotional trust in a relationship can be greatly damaged by the “communication” of not communicating.   Sometimes, the partner married to a “Withdrawer” perceives the thoughts and feelings of the “withdrawer” as inherently selfish and narcissistic.

Here is what partners think the “Withdrawer” is saying:

- “I don’t think you are worth the energy to communicate with.”

- “I don’t care enough for you to do what is difficult for me.”

- “I despise that you are so needy.”

- “My needs are more important than yours.”

Sometimes, the “withdrawer” IS thinking that.  That is a whole different blog.  More often, I find that the “withdrawer” is simply scared.

For most “withdrawers” I know, they are really thinking and feeling the following:

- “I am scared that I will never please you.”

- “I just freeze and don’t know what to say when you are mad.”

- “You are a better arguer than I am and I can’t think that fast.”

- “I want to make you happy, but I don’t know how.”

Sometimes we need help to get out of communication patterns that we are stuck in.  If you are a “withdrawer” or married to one, slow down the conversation and communicate what you are experiencing.  Be compassionate and give one another the benefit of the doubt!

Laura

It is almost as if I can see the walls between some couples when they come in for the first session.   I can actually feel not only the distance, but a self-protective, impenetrable barrier.   The difficult thing is that walls have a purpose; they protect.  They protect from disappointment, rejection, shame, conflict, and being ignored.  We all have self-protective mechanisms that are activated when a threat is perceived.  It is a natural, instinctual response…only it keeps us from fully loving and being loved.   

Walls serve a purpose to reduce the pain that we feel from our spouse, yet walls and barriers perpetuate the lack of connection, expression of tenderness, feeling of love, and giving of oneself that is essential in healthy relationships.   

At some point, it is important for couples to realize that the pain of maintaining the indestructible barrier hurts more than the vulnerability of no defenses.   We have several choices when dealing with a wall in our marriage.  First, we can keep it up, protect ourselves, and perhaps even make it stronger by distancing ourselves, giving less of ourselves, and accepting less of our partner’s love. Our second option is to take it down, brick by brick.  This is done carefully over a long period of time.   It is done through deliberately allowing more and more connection without the need to attack.  Thirdly, we have the option to plow through the wall.  This one is my favorite, and by far the scariest.    

Couples usually come to counseling to be close again. To love and be loved.  To connect, experience joy, and affirm the uniqueness and beauty of one another once again.  So, as I say to some couples, “Do you want to plow through the wall?  I will help you.  I will run right beside you?”   AND, more importantly, Jesus can break down the walls with you.  Breaking through walls is one of the ways to participate in the redemptive story of God.  Yes, it is scary, but remember this…

Jesus is a wall-breaking Savior, and he can give you the strength to break down the walls around you!

Ephesians 2:13,14

^“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility….”

Laura