One of the first things I remember learning in my training as Marriage and Family Therapist is this fact from communication theory:

“One cannot NOT communicate.”

The communication axiom, “One cannot NOT communicate,” has much to say (pun intended).

It is very common in couples that one of the partners has strong tendencies to “freeze” in conflict, “flee” from arguments and potentially difficult conversations.  We will call this person the “Withdrawer.”  This looks like shutting down, walking out of the room, hanging up the phone, and avoiding discussions.

The emotional trust in a relationship can be greatly damaged by the “communication” of not communicating.   Sometimes, the partner married to a “Withdrawer” perceives the thoughts and feelings of the “withdrawer” as inherently selfish and narcissistic.

Here is what partners think the “Withdrawer” is saying:

- “I don’t think you are worth the energy to communicate with.”

- “I don’t care enough for you to do what is difficult for me.”

- “I despise that you are so needy.”

- “My needs are more important than yours.”

Sometimes, the “withdrawer” IS thinking that.  That is a whole different blog.  More often, I find that the “withdrawer” is simply scared.

For most “withdrawers” I know, they are really thinking and feeling the following:

- “I am scared that I will never please you.”

- “I just freeze and don’t know what to say when you are mad.”

- “You are a better arguer than I am and I can’t think that fast.”

- “I want to make you happy, but I don’t know how.”

Sometimes we need help to get out of communication patterns that we are stuck in.  If you are a “withdrawer” or married to one, slow down the conversation and communicate what you are experiencing.  Be compassionate and give one another the benefit of the doubt!

Laura

Julia

Authenticity is a pretty big buzz word right now. You hear a lot about people wanting to be authentic and have authentic relationships. Webster defines authentic as, “not false or imitation: real, actual, and true to one's own personality, spirit or character”. I think authenticity is a great goal. However, what happens when our "personality" doesn't match up with what God wants from us? 

I have had several conversations in the past few weeks with individuals dealing with this dilemma. I find myself asking people to not allow their feelings to make decisions for them. To act in a way they know they "should" despite the way they may feel in the moment. I was met several times with the statement "but that is not authentic". Many times this sparks a discussion about "faking" it or not being "real". I've started asking this question, “If the "real" you is striving to live a life God wants for you, and knowing you are not perfect, don't you think there will be times when your imperfection and what you're striving for will collide?” Has this desire for authenticity allowed us to act on every whim so as not to be a hypocrite? What is the difference between "acting" and "trying to change"? When breaking this down further, acting is when you're putting on a show and you are changing so that those around you will see it and be impressed.  Trying to change is an "authentic" desire to be refined by God and make choices based on what He wants for you despite what you want. CS Lewis believed that what mattered were not our feelings, but rather our behaviors and intentions. In a published letter from 1951 he says:

"Don't bother much about your feelings. When they are humble, loving, brave, give thanks for them; when they are conceited, selfish cowardly, ask to have them altered. In neither case are they you, but only a thing that happens to you. What matters are your intentions and your behavior."

Therefore, before we can live authentically or even before we try to, we need to ask the following fundamental question. When considering authenticity, whose personality, spirit, and character do you want to be true to? Your own or God’s?

Julia

In its simplest form, ambivalence is the state of both wanting to do something and not wanting to do something at the same time.  Have you ever been in that place?  I certainly have, especially when it comes to dealing with emotional issues.   I am writing about this because it seems like ambivalence is a common theme right now with people.  They know the importance of continuing their journey to reconcile emotional issues within themselves, and yet are unsure.  Everybody has their own reasons for staying in that place. Fear, uncertainty, feeling out of control, scared of change I think are all part of it.  Emotional freedom does come at a cost and part of the cost is having to embrace pain and take a hard look at yourself. However, like anything else that requires a price, the cost is worth it.  If you find yourself in a place of ambivalence, I encourage you to keep moving forward.  You will not grow with God, yourself, and others as long as you remain in that place.

Melissa

Recently, I sat down with a family member who asked me how my day had been going. I started to share about an afternoon of putting up the Christmas tree and drinking some delicious hot cider when she interrupted with, "Do you like how I moved that picture?". Ouch! Now I wasn't sharing any deep or life shattering thoughts, but it still stung a little to realize that she didn't appear to be all that interested in what I was saying. I left feeling a little deflated and also wondering if I had ever done that to someone (which I'm sure I have).  At Summit Church last night Pastor Isaac suggested that there were two kinds of people in the world, "Here I Am!" kinds of people or "There You Are!" kinds. That definitely felt to me like a "here I am" moment.  

What kind of person are you? When you walk into a room are you seeking to make those around you feel loved and cared for or are you more looking to have your own anxieties and needs met? Does it change depending on the situation? What I realized is I am far more lax with the people I feel the closest to. It seems they get the worst part of me, when in fact they should be getting the best.  So how do we become more focused on others?

• First and foremost allow God to define who you are; don't look to others to tell you.
• Be purposeful with your actions and thoughts, try not to allow yourself to go on "autopilot" or let your mind wander.  
• Listen actively! Ask follow up questions and listen for the response. Engage.

Of course this doesn't mean you can never lean on a friend, or look to others for help, but as we enter into this Christmas Season lets remember to be focused outward and strive to show love, Christ's love, to those around us. 

Julia