When I meet with couples requesting premarriage counseling, they are required to complete an assessment that measures various aspects of their relationship. One of the measures focuses on the level of stress being experienced by each individual. Almost without exception, stress levels are very high during the months preceding a wedding because of issues related to its planning.

The expectation and preparation for your wedding, perhaps more than any other event in your life, should be the cause of great celebration and joy. But if you are experiencing more anxiety than delight I want you to know that, in my opinion, much of your stress is likely unnecessary and can be avoided.

Let me be very clear about that last statement. This is my opinion. I am aware that the suggestions I propose are not popular with everyone. I know I have "a guy's view," but my history as a groom, a bride's father, a former minister, and a counselor of engaged couples does give me some meaningful perspective. So take it for what it's worth...

Two issues that most often produce tension in wedding preparation are: (1) managing the cost of the wedding and (2) satisfying everyone else's expectations for the wedding. Making shifts in these areas will go a long way in creating a stress-free experience.

Managing the Cost of Your Wedding
The total cost of most weddings these days moves easily into six figures. Many couples feel pressured to spend an extraordinary amount of money on this one event, often resulting in increased debt or financial strain. And in some cases, the event becomes more of a spectacle than a celebration.

Should you spend money on a wedding? Of course. How much? Whatever your budget reasonably allows, and no more. Determine what that amount will be and stick to it. Any adjustments you make should be made to the event to stay within the budget, rather than changing the budget to keep up with an ever-expanding event.

Don't get caught in the trap of worrying about what other people will think if your wedding and reception are not "good enough." An inexpensive wedding does not have to be a cheap one. The most meaningful and personal weddings I've ever attended were ones that relied more on creativity than currency.

When I measure cost vs. benefit in this matter, I wonder if the wedding money spent on items that have such short-term benefit might be better invested in things that have greater lasting value... payment on a home, purchase of a car, paying off current debts, or even a longer honeymoon.

Managing Everyone Else's Expectations
Let's be honest, people do have expectations regarding your wedding. Family and friends expect to be invited. Close friends expect to be in your wedding party. Parents expect certain considerations. Mothers of the bride (sorry for the stereotype, but it is so often true) expect particular details to be just-so. Before you know it, it's not even your wedding anymore; it's everyone-else's.

If you come from a family or cultural system in which wedding details are planned out for you and you're comfortable with that, great! It probably makes things a lot easier for you. But most of you are responsible for your own wedding planning. If so, do whatever it takes to make it your wedding. Of course, be open to input and opinions, but do not bend to expectations that cause you to be restless or resentful. If that means planning a smaller wedding, do it. If that means eliminating a wedding party, do it. If that means asking your parents to join you in counseling for a family pre-marriage session, do it.

Years ago, I was involved in helping a couple prepare for their marriage. The pressure from their families to plan things in certain ways was squeezing all the joy out of their anticipation for the event. They were so determined to enjoy their wedding that they secretly eloped a month before the public ceremony, sharing a private ceremony and a few days of bliss. Except for the minister and a couple close friends, nobody knew that as they repeated their vows at the wedding, they were already wife and husband. Later, they told me they were glad they had done it that way. Everybody got what they wanted.

You may not go to such extremes, but I encourage you to make the choices that strip the stress out of your wedding planning. Experience a true celebration.

Tim Tedder

Dissect any argument between a man and a woman and this is probably what you'll find: the conflict has little to do with what each is saying, but much to do with what each is meaning. More specifically, the argument is likely fueled by a misunderstanding of each other's message. They may be using the same words, but they're speaking different languages.

This communication gap between men and women has been researched and documented in every culture. We know it exists, and yet nearly every couple that comes in for marriage counseling acts as though it didn't. Instead of recognizing gender differences, the husband assumes his wife means what he would mean if he spoke her words. And she does the same in return. No wonder they end up frustrated and angry.

So, how can you improve your communication with your spouse? First of all, recognize that real differences exist and stop expecting your spouse to be like you. Next, as soon as you feel another conflict coming on, change your agenda. Switch from your normal goal of winning the argument ("If he/ she would just listen to me...") to the new goal of understanding your spouse. Stop talking, take a deep breath, and speak softly while you say this: I want to understand what you mean and why this is important to you, so please tell me. Then listen... listen... listen. If something isn't clear, ask about it, and then listen again. 

Be prepared for this change. Decide to do it now, before you face your next conflict, because waiting until you are in the moment will be too late. If you do this one thing, most of your arguments will be diffused before they turn into a fight. 

And men, if you need a little more help you may want to try using The Manslater...

Tim Tedder

This past weekend, my wife and I shared a morning free from pressing agendas and so we stayed in bed for awhile. Sharon, especially, loves those mornings. Gleefully, she kicked her legs back-and-forth under the sheets making a swish swish noise. "I love that sound," she said. "For some reason, it's always been comforting to me."

After thinking about that for a moment, I issued a challenge: "She wishes for sheet swishes! Say it three times fast." We both tried, laughter growing with our every failure. 

Moments like that are wonderful. They are reminders of what makes our marriage work. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, says it this way: "...happy marriages are based on a deep friendship...a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company."* Although Sharon and I deal with the same kinds of issues that challenge every marriage (conflicts, money, sex, whether or not to adopt a dog), it is the strength of our friendship that constantly draws us back to closeness and intimacy. 

Couples who try to save their marriage by focusing on having better communication or better sex are usually treating a symptom instead of a cause. They would be better off starting with rediscovering the ways they respect and enjoy each other.

That morning, we finally left the sheets and walked a mile to one of our favorite breakfast spots. Along the way, we talked about marketing strategies, homelessness, stepping in dog poo, Green Acres, our friends, and blue-tongued skinks. I love being married to my friend.

Tim Tedder
*The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

A couple steps into my office for their first counseling session. The look on their faces is familiar: disappointment, hurt, anger... maybe even disdain. They sit on the couch, careful to leave enough space for the wall between them, and begin to present their cases. Each offers an argument that has failed them so far—accusing the other of being the primary cause of their unhappy marriage.

We will eventually need to get into the unique details of their relationship, but I already know one thing about this couple: they need to move in a new direction. 

Couples can be characterized by either moving toward each other, away from each other, or against each other. This couple is moving against or away, which is a natural fight-or-flight response to hurt. But they need to start using each experience of disappointment or conflict as a trigger to move toward each other instead.

Easier said than done, I know. When facing conflict, spouses (myself included) are naturally more concerned about winning than about finding a way to move closer together. But this kind of "win" is rarely satisfying and only reinforced a battle mentality.

On the other hand, learning to change "How can I win?" to "How can I move toward?" is a dynamic shift that drastically alters both the experience and outcome of a conflict. Self-protection gives way to empathy. Stubbornness gives way to caring. And it only takes one person to make the first move. 

Tim Tedder