I read this quote recently by a woman named, Evelyn Underhill, who is a great female scholar of mysticism, and it got me thinking about a few things.  It goes as follows:

"The spiritual life of individuals has to be extended both vertically to God and horizontally to other souls; and the more it grows in both directions, the less merely individual and therefore the more truly personal it will be."

When speaking of merely individual, she is referring to what affects us as an individual.  When speaking of truly personal she is referring to what not only affects us as an individual, but those around us.  

Much of the time in counseling we are focusing on self.  The wrongs done toward us, the wrongs done against us, and hopefully moving toward the wrongs we have done towards others.  When we reach the point in counseling when we are able to take responsibility for our actions that have affected those around us, potentially because of the actions done to us, we are moving forward.  That is personal. When we are able to move out of our own personal pain and see the pain of others, growth is happening in the human soul.  To always be in a space where we are concerned only with self is not only selfish, it is not spiritual.  Emotional growth can't go beyond spiritual growth and vice versa.  They work in conjunction with one another.  And when both are occurring, we are able to relate to others, have an impact on others, and love others well.  That is spiritual.  And that is personal.

Melissa

I spent the weekend with the flu.  Not that this is anything that you necessarily wanted to know, but it really is how I spent the last two days.  Without describing in detail my symptoms, let me just say that it is very frustrating to deal with continual, annoying, and debilitating pain.  Therefore the subject of this blog is suffering.  Here are a few things about suffering that this weekend reminded me of:

Pain is a show-stopper.  It takes all our energy just to do the basics of life.

Pain is an attention grabber.  It’s difficult to focus on anything else.

Pain is a joy-sucker.  It’s hard to be happy when we’re in pain.

Pain is a relationship-damper.  It’s hard to be loving and other-centered when we are just trying to survive the day.

Pain is a hope-stealer.  “When will I get better?” is the unanswerable question.

If you’re dealing with pain – physical, emotional, or relational, it has the tendency to do all the above.  The antidote is to reduce life to what really matters: our relationship with God and our relationships with those we truly love.  The only steps that were constrictive this weekend were steps taken towards others: my wife, my friends, and God.   That’s still the place where meaning is found and joy will continue to come.  Don’t let the pain distract you from taking steps that will bring about healing.  

Jim Keller 

In its simplest form, ambivalence is the state of both wanting to do something and not wanting to do something at the same time.  Have you ever been in that place?  I certainly have, especially when it comes to dealing with emotional issues.   I am writing about this because it seems like ambivalence is a common theme right now with people.  They know the importance of continuing their journey to reconcile emotional issues within themselves, and yet are unsure.  Everybody has their own reasons for staying in that place. Fear, uncertainty, feeling out of control, scared of change I think are all part of it.  Emotional freedom does come at a cost and part of the cost is having to embrace pain and take a hard look at yourself. However, like anything else that requires a price, the cost is worth it.  If you find yourself in a place of ambivalence, I encourage you to keep moving forward.  You will not grow with God, yourself, and others as long as you remain in that place.

Melissa

Recently, I was sitting on the couch at my sister's house when I heard a loud "whack" followed by some crying.  My nephew had been following a small dog around the house and while his head was down he was not exactly watching where he was going and ran right into the dining room table.  After a quick cry, I listened, amused as I heard my nephew explaining to my sister what happened in his broken 2 year old language.  When he was finished he promptly came into where I was sitting, grabbed my hand and brought me to the scene of the "crime".  He pointed to the dog, and then the table, finally his head and said "walk...bonk head".  It was adorable.  I chuckled with my sister that he doesn't want to cry as much as he wants to have someone to commiserate with him.  He wants to share his pain.  

Thinking about this later in the day, I realized that as adults we are the same way.  If our heart is hurt we want and need to tell someone about it.  We want someone to empathize with us and say "wow that's awful".  We are relational and we want to know that we are not alone. We want to know we are not walking through the hurts of this life without someone else caring when we "bonk" and it hurts.  It helps us to tell and sometimes retell the stories of our lives until, somehow, we feel better.  Sometimes a client will hesitate when I ask them to share with me a particularly painful part of their story.  They will ask me "What's the point? Its not going to change anything." Many times people don't want to talk about it because they do not want to feel bad.  However, if we're all being honest, they are already feeling bad and simply holding back the dam.  Telling our story not only helps us receive the empathy we need and the knowledge that someone cares, but also helps us to process through the pain.  Until it's not so painful anymore.  If you are hanging onto your pain, and unsure what to do with it, maybe it is time to start talking.    

Julia