The concept of Loss is so large that it is impossible to try to address the vastness of it in a simple blog. The concept, in its entirety, has been something that I have been pondering for some time.  In this blog I am focusing on loss as related to death in particular. 

I just spent the weekend in Denver at a memorial service for a woman with whom I grew up with.  In many ways she had been given the title of second mom to me and my siblings.   I have known her since I was 5 years old and our families had spent more than a decade celebrating every holiday together.  Her health had been ailing her for quite some time and so Nancy's death came as more of a blessing than anything.  Sitting in the memorial service, it was hard to describe the feelings that I had.  I was thankful she wasn't suffering anymore, but there was such a sense of loss with it.  She was the keeper of secrets. And had a memory of things that I had long forgotten or had not even remembered.  Nancy could remember things that I could not.  I had not lived near her for many years but whenever I saw her it was like no time had passed.  She would ask me things about myself that I had long ago lost interest in, had changed my opinion on, or was in process of rethinking what I thought.  I had a history with her that I have not had with any other adult woman. There is such a sense of loss in that.  No one will ever be able to replace that.

I was talking with her daughter, my long time friend Tina, and she said something about our friendship that is so true:  You can't replace time.  No, you cannot.  It has made me think more and more about time, life, dreams, and desires.  Life is short.  Nancy was nearing 80 but lived a full life.  It was evident by what people said about her at her memorial.  As I listened to what people were saying, but set my gaze on the absolutely majestic Rocky Mountains, I began to think about the concept of a full life for myself.  I ask these questions of myself, but I encourage you to ask them of yourself as well.  Am I living to my full potential?  Am I living well?  Am I allowing myself to dream and create?  These are just a few to get you started.   

I am in the process of asking myself these questions with no conclusions as of yet, but I am enjoying the process of asking them and letting my heart, soul, and thoughts go where they go.  Nancy was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination; however, I believe she did not have regrets at the end.  I don not want to have regrets either.

Melissa

Who or what gets you angry?  As you do an inventory, let me give you some of my biggest pet peeves.  First, ridiculous traffic light sequences make me angry.  We can put a man on the moon but we have yet to figure out how to improve and expedite traffic flow.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat at a light waiting for the green and see no other traffic travelling on the street I have intersected with.  My comment more often than not is, “This is just ridiculous!” (emphasis added J).  Those lights make me so angry!  Another regular frustration is the instrument that I’m using to record this blog… my computer.  I love the convenience that it brings, but when it’s acting up, I don’t think that there’s anything more aggravating and time-consuming.  My frequent comment here is, “Oh no, not again!”  Do you feel my pain? 

So, where does anger (frustration, irritability, aggravation) come from?  My thought is that it does not come from the actual precipitating events, it comes from inside me.  It is a response to my life and its daily activities not going according to my plan.  Someone or something has interposed himself or itself in my life to take me off my plans… plans for time usage, plans for productivity, or plans for rest.  But those people or events aren’t producing my anger, they are revealing it.  Anger is a God-given emotion and is not inherently bad or evil.  But anger is prone to go in very dysfunctional directions if we do not handle it correctly.  Our anger, properly viewed, is an invitation to a more accurate self-perception and growth.  Why do I get upset when my wife does that?  Why am I so stressed when I’m late?  Why does my lack of knowledge and ability make me so mad?  The answer is not a cookie cutter one… one size does not fit all.  But our regular irritations are a call to a deeper place where God can speak to us in a more profound manner.  God speaks to Cain’s anger at his rejected sacrifice and says: “Why are you angry?  …if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”  The goal is not to stop being angry, but to be its master and not let that anger lead us into sin.  So stop blaming others or events or even God for your anger, and allow Him to take you into a place where you can use that anger to lead you to greater personal insights and more healthy relationships.

Jim

Childhood sexual abuse ranks right up there for the top fears of parents.  There are many ways that we can love our children.  Protecting them from harm should be one of our expressions of love. Sexual abuse is a violation of boundaries and a ripping away of innocence.  Here are several ways that you can reduce the risk of someone sexually violating the children in your life. 

1. Minimize and monitor who your child is with at ALL TIMES.  They should never be alone with those you do not know well.  Schools and sports teams take measures to prevent authority figures from being alone with children, but this cannot be counted on completely. 

2. Be VERY wary of sleepovers!  Many adults state that they were sexually abused during a sleepover.  I reserve this occasion for families that I completely trust. I explain to the parents what I am comfortable with and offer to pick my children up late.

3. Perpetrators are known to target children in unhappy and disconnected families.  Be involved in your children’s relationships, activities, and interests. Being an involved parent has many rewards!

4. Have periodic discussions about boundaries with our bodies, sex, and appropriate touching.  Talk naturally and without embarrassment or shame.  Let them know that they can ask you any question or tell you anything. 

5. My personal opinion is that we need to be even more diligent with children that have vulnerable, trusting, and compassionate personalities.  This also applies to children with disabilities.

6. Do not assume that strangers or acquaintances are the only people you need to shelter your children from.  Close friends and family are most likely to be the perpetrators.

7. Single parents need to be “on guard” with the people around your children.  If you are single and dating, be very careful who you date and expose your children to.  Without any objective data in front of me, I have many clients that have been abused by a step-parent. Do not ignore ANY questionable feelings and situations that occur.  Take your time in dating and making marriage decisions!

8. Sexual abuse happens to boys as well as girls.  Protect your sons, too!

9. ALWAYS go with your gut!  Teach your children how to discern healthy people and those that they “feel a little funny around.”  I have regular conversations with my children about those we come into contact with.  This goes for both those I consider trustworthy and those that I feel may be dangerous or unhealthy.  This teaches them in the moment and builds their “gut skills”.  If you are not naturally discerning, have someone that you know well come in and teach your child those skills.  

AND 

10. Pray.  I pray often for God to protect each member of my family. 

I pray that for you, also!

Laura

It’s been raining all weekend and it’s an unusual amount coming off the summer thunderstorms where you’ll have downpours one minute and bright sunshine the next.  These rains were soakers and the sun did not shine through once for over 36 hours.  A friend of mine mentioned to me that he loved weekends like the one we just had, all wet and gray with soot-covered cotton-ball clouds.  When I asked why he said, “It just changes things up… it lets me know that cool weather is finally coming.” 

All Floridians long for cool weather coming out of summers that are white-hot with daily temperatures in the mid to upper nineties.  My son, who lives in Seattle, longs for the sun and heat of Washington’s August and September.  I guess it’s all a matter of perspective and learning to adapt to where we are in our experience.  In fact, I guess perspective is everything, when you get right down to it.  Will my perspective be one that will allow me to see the positive in every circumstance?  Will it lead me to see what God’s viewpoint is as compared to my own?  Someone in Florida who longs for cool rainy weather has a perspective that is carved out of a heat-filled summer.  Someone in Washington who covets warmth and sunshine has a longing that has been soaked in the cold and rainy days of the Northwest. 

Our longing is a reminder that things are not going to be perfect on this earth and that something better is coming.  This does not mean that we cannot embrace the reality of where we are and wring God’s blessings out of every moment.  And the change of the seasons is to me, a reminder that God is continually inviting us into personal change, change that leads to growth.  I invite you to ask God for His perspective on your life, and once you have it, ask Him for the ability to continue to grow.

Jim