It is almost as if I can see the walls between some couples when they come in for the first session.   I can actually feel not only the distance, but a self-protective, impenetrable barrier.   The difficult thing is that walls have a purpose; they protect.  They protect from disappointment, rejection, shame, conflict, and being ignored.  We all have self-protective mechanisms that are activated when a threat is perceived.  It is a natural, instinctual response…only it keeps us from fully loving and being loved.   

Walls serve a purpose to reduce the pain that we feel from our spouse, yet walls and barriers perpetuate the lack of connection, expression of tenderness, feeling of love, and giving of oneself that is essential in healthy relationships.   

At some point, it is important for couples to realize that the pain of maintaining the indestructible barrier hurts more than the vulnerability of no defenses.   We have several choices when dealing with a wall in our marriage.  First, we can keep it up, protect ourselves, and perhaps even make it stronger by distancing ourselves, giving less of ourselves, and accepting less of our partner’s love. Our second option is to take it down, brick by brick.  This is done carefully over a long period of time.   It is done through deliberately allowing more and more connection without the need to attack.  Thirdly, we have the option to plow through the wall.  This one is my favorite, and by far the scariest.    

Couples usually come to counseling to be close again. To love and be loved.  To connect, experience joy, and affirm the uniqueness and beauty of one another once again.  So, as I say to some couples, “Do you want to plow through the wall?  I will help you.  I will run right beside you?”   AND, more importantly, Jesus can break down the walls with you.  Breaking through walls is one of the ways to participate in the redemptive story of God.  Yes, it is scary, but remember this…

Jesus is a wall-breaking Savior, and he can give you the strength to break down the walls around you!

Ephesians 2:13,14

^“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility….”

Laura 

I don't think that anyone can argue that it is extremely hot right now in Orlando, Florida.  In my opinion, miserably hot!   How to stay clear of heat exhaustion during this time is all over the news.  Recently in the Orlando Sentinel I came across an article that was talking about athletes, both High School and College, going back to practice for their respective fall sports.  In it they stressed the importance of water and coaches paying attention and taking the time for their players to rest in the heat.  I began to think about this.  It dawned on me that our “souls” are similar.  They need nourishing especially when things are "hot". Whether it be a hardship in our marriage, your kids, or any other relationship, things can make us "hot", or angry.  Just like a time out in practices for fall sports in order to hydrate, we need time out for our souls to hydrate.  

So what is the purpose of time out for the soul?  It helps us cool down.  Take inventory of our emotions so that when we deal with a "hot" situation we have the composure to do it without "losing it" so to speak. The important thing to remember is that anger is usually a response to not being heard or understood. We often, mistakenly so, assume that the louder we get the more we will be heard. The opposite is actually truer. The louder we get, the less we are heard.  

As we are in a time of transition with kids going back to school, our economy all over the place, and a million other things, I encourage you to take inventory of the "heat" in your soul.  Take time to attend to it.  It can only help you and the relationships around you.  

Melissa

Christmas time is always fraught with peril.  Not the physical peril of a military man or woman, but it’s loaded with emotional battles and relational pitfalls.  I think that it’s because everyone secretly wants an ideal Christmas, even those Scrooges who say they don’t like the holiday season.  They’re all just jaded liars, secretly hoping that somehow the “magic” of the season tidal waves them into a sense of love and well-being.

It’s probably important to note that the first Christmas wasn't a very pleasant experience for the principles involved:  the drama of a first pregnancy and an imminent delivery, the sadness of being away from home and the anxiety of not being able to find a place of privacy so this baby could be born.  Talk about a stressful holiday!  But in the midst of the turmoil, angels sang, poor shepherds came and worshiped, and a young couple put the pieces together of an altogether extraordinary experience.  God showed up!  We at Charis pray that your Christmas season, while full of stress, anxiety, and sometimes sadness, will also be filled with God’s presence and a very clear reminder that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.  Merry Christmas!

Jim

Recently, I sat down with a family member who asked me how my day had been going. I started to share about an afternoon of putting up the Christmas tree and drinking some delicious hot cider when she interrupted with, "Do you like how I moved that picture?". Ouch! Now I wasn't sharing any deep or life shattering thoughts, but it still stung a little to realize that she didn't appear to be all that interested in what I was saying. I left feeling a little deflated and also wondering if I had ever done that to someone (which I'm sure I have).  At Summit Church last night Pastor Isaac suggested that there were two kinds of people in the world, "Here I Am!" kinds of people or "There You Are!" kinds. That definitely felt to me like a "here I am" moment.  

What kind of person are you? When you walk into a room are you seeking to make those around you feel loved and cared for or are you more looking to have your own anxieties and needs met? Does it change depending on the situation? What I realized is I am far more lax with the people I feel the closest to. It seems they get the worst part of me, when in fact they should be getting the best.  So how do we become more focused on others?

• First and foremost allow God to define who you are; don't look to others to tell you.
• Be purposeful with your actions and thoughts, try not to allow yourself to go on "autopilot" or let your mind wander.  
• Listen actively! Ask follow up questions and listen for the response. Engage.

Of course this doesn't mean you can never lean on a friend, or look to others for help, but as we enter into this Christmas Season lets remember to be focused outward and strive to show love, Christ's love, to those around us. 

Julia

The street lights are up, the trees are decorated (or are in process of being decorated) and Santa sits in his big chair in the mall. With all the hustle and bustle it seems like everyone is happy and joyous that the Christmas Season has come. For many, it is all an illusion. We still sit in very hard economic times on very tight budgets and strained family relationships. Many are without family and many have family that are so toxic for them that they have no desire to see them during this time.

Whatever your situation is coming into this season, I think it is important that we remember what the season is really about, and that is the birth of Christ. As the cliche would go "Christ is the reason for the season". Sometimes having a bigger, greater perspective helps us get through hard circumstances. I pray that God will meet you where you are, and if we at Charis Counseling can be of any help, we would love to do so.

Merry Christmas!

Melissa