I have been coughing for a month and it is probably been the most frustrating illness I have had in quite some time.  I have a cold.  Or, probably more accurately, I suffer from “the common cold”.  I wish it were more dramatic, that descriptor.  Something like “The Phlegmatic Flare-up” or “The Pulmonary Piranha”, because at times it feels as if evil little fish are swimming around in my lungs causing all kinds of pain and mischief.  But, alas, I am left with no other categorization than “I have a cold.”  It’s not a very impressive illness and everyone seems to respond by saying “Oh, me too.”

Sometimes, the most emotionally difficult hurdles to jump are seemingly the smaller ones.  The co-worker that talks behind your back, the friend who stands you up, the spouse that just doesn’t seem to care about what you’re going through to the extent that you want him or her to.  I find that it’s not the dramatic challenges and difficulties that are the most dangerous; it’s the little ones that don’t seem to be or shouldn’t be so hard.  No one can fully understand or comprehend that the small and seemingly insignificant difficulties that we encounter every day are the ones that sap our energies the most.  And it’s during those times that we need to be most on our guard.  You see, the common cold can become pneumonia if it is not dealt with appropriately.  And the small stressors can become roots of bitterness and anger that can lead to bad decisions and chronically bad attitudes. 

Solomon stated in his “Song of Songs” that it’s the little foxes that spoil the vine and the Apostle Paul writes in I Corinthians 10:13 that: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man [there’s that word ‘common’ again!].  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”  So my encouragement to you is not to let those “little” frustrations fester and begin to fetter you.  Instead, give them the appropriate attention they need, and then, before God and in the presence of a trusted friend or counselor, allow these wounds to be appropriately dressed and healed and may your physical and emotional “colds” soon be healed!

Jim

This week alone I sat with five different teenagers all describing intense anxiety, worrying, stomach problems, and problems sleeping. Upon further exploration it was revealed that most of this worry comes from school and friends. Did you know that 84% of teenagers describe themselves as overwhelmed and suffer psychological consequences because of it. So how do you as a parent encourage excellence from your teenager without adding to this pressure, and how can you help relieve the stress they already feel?

1. Listen: This is the number one thing you can do to help your teen manage their stress. Listen empathetically without trying to fix their problems. Also, avoid telling them how they could have done it differently. Try to stay away from statements such as “Well, if you had only.... you wouldn’t be in this position.” Chances are they already know, and telling them now will not help their current position. Say things like “I know what its like to have that big of a deadline looming,” or “that sounds like its really getting to you”. Further you want to make statements and ask questions that encourage further discussion from your teen.

2. Encourage healthy eating and sleeping patterns: Teens who eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly can manage stress with less psychological consequences. While I know that you can’t control what they do, you can make sure nutritious food is available to them, and model a healthy lifestyle yourself.

3. Watch your expectations: Make sure your teen knows you expect excellence and not perfection. Perfection is toxic and can lead to stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

4. Encourage them to “be vague”: So many teens come to me with one plan for their life, make valedictorian, get into (Insert prestigious school here), and become a (insert high power job here). While its great to have a plan and goals, they need to be flexible. There are things outside of their control for all of those goals so they are not appropriate to have. Encourage them to have goals that are only within their control. Strive for excellence with their grades, get into a good school, and major in something they enjoy and will be able to provide them with a future.

Making these small changes with your teen can help them lead a balanced and less stressed life, giving them less anxiety and irritability. A win win for everyone! 

Julia

When I meet with couples requesting premarriage counseling, they are required to complete an assessment that measures various aspects of their relationship. One of the measures focuses on the level of stress being experienced by each individual. Almost without exception, stress levels are very high during the months preceding a wedding because of issues related to its planning.

The expectation and preparation for your wedding, perhaps more than any other event in your life, should be the cause of great celebration and joy. But if you are experiencing more anxiety than delight I want you to know that, in my opinion, much of your stress is likely unnecessary and can be avoided.

Let me be very clear about that last statement. This is my opinion. I am aware that the suggestions I propose are not popular with everyone. I know I have "a guy's view," but my history as a groom, a bride's father, a former minister, and a counselor of engaged couples does give me some meaningful perspective. So take it for what it's worth...

Two issues that most often produce tension in wedding preparation are: (1) managing the cost of the wedding and (2) satisfying everyone else's expectations for the wedding. Making shifts in these areas will go a long way in creating a stress-free experience.

Managing the Cost of Your Wedding
The total cost of most weddings these days moves easily into six figures. Many couples feel pressured to spend an extraordinary amount of money on this one event, often resulting in increased debt or financial strain. And in some cases, the event becomes more of a spectacle than a celebration.

Should you spend money on a wedding? Of course. How much? Whatever your budget reasonably allows, and no more. Determine what that amount will be and stick to it. Any adjustments you make should be made to the event to stay within the budget, rather than changing the budget to keep up with an ever-expanding event.

Don't get caught in the trap of worrying about what other people will think if your wedding and reception are not "good enough." An inexpensive wedding does not have to be a cheap one. The most meaningful and personal weddings I've ever attended were ones that relied more on creativity than currency.

When I measure cost vs. benefit in this matter, I wonder if the wedding money spent on items that have such short-term benefit might be better invested in things that have greater lasting value... payment on a home, purchase of a car, paying off current debts, or even a longer honeymoon.

Managing Everyone Else's Expectations
Let's be honest, people do have expectations regarding your wedding. Family and friends expect to be invited. Close friends expect to be in your wedding party. Parents expect certain considerations. Mothers of the bride (sorry for the stereotype, but it is so often true) expect particular details to be just-so. Before you know it, it's not even your wedding anymore; it's everyone-else's.

If you come from a family or cultural system in which wedding details are planned out for you and you're comfortable with that, great! It probably makes things a lot easier for you. But most of you are responsible for your own wedding planning. If so, do whatever it takes to make it your wedding. Of course, be open to input and opinions, but do not bend to expectations that cause you to be restless or resentful. If that means planning a smaller wedding, do it. If that means eliminating a wedding party, do it. If that means asking your parents to join you in counseling for a family pre-marriage session, do it.

Years ago, I was involved in helping a couple prepare for their marriage. The pressure from their families to plan things in certain ways was squeezing all the joy out of their anticipation for the event. They were so determined to enjoy their wedding that they secretly eloped a month before the public ceremony, sharing a private ceremony and a few days of bliss. Except for the minister and a couple close friends, nobody knew that as they repeated their vows at the wedding, they were already wife and husband. Later, they told me they were glad they had done it that way. Everybody got what they wanted.

You may not go to such extremes, but I encourage you to make the choices that strip the stress out of your wedding planning. Experience a true celebration.

Tim Tedder