This week alone I sat with five different teenagers all describing intense anxiety, worrying, stomach problems, and problems sleeping. Upon further exploration it was revealed that most of this worry comes from school and friends. Did you know that 84% of teenagers describe themselves as overwhelmed and suffer psychological consequences because of it. So how do you as a parent encourage excellence from your teenager without adding to this pressure, and how can you help relieve the stress they already feel?

1. Listen: This is the number one thing you can do to help your teen manage their stress. Listen empathetically without trying to fix their problems. Also, avoid telling them how they could have done it differently. Try to stay away from statements such as “Well, if you had only.... you wouldn’t be in this position.” Chances are they already know, and telling them now will not help their current position. Say things like “I know what its like to have that big of a deadline looming,” or “that sounds like its really getting to you”. Further you want to make statements and ask questions that encourage further discussion from your teen.

2. Encourage healthy eating and sleeping patterns: Teens who eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly can manage stress with less psychological consequences. While I know that you can’t control what they do, you can make sure nutritious food is available to them, and model a healthy lifestyle yourself.

3. Watch your expectations: Make sure your teen knows you expect excellence and not perfection. Perfection is toxic and can lead to stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

4. Encourage them to “be vague”: So many teens come to me with one plan for their life, make valedictorian, get into (Insert prestigious school here), and become a (insert high power job here). While its great to have a plan and goals, they need to be flexible. There are things outside of their control for all of those goals so they are not appropriate to have. Encourage them to have goals that are only within their control. Strive for excellence with their grades, get into a good school, and major in something they enjoy and will be able to provide them with a future.

Making these small changes with your teen can help them lead a balanced and less stressed life, giving them less anxiety and irritability. A win win for everyone! 

Julia

I am passionate about reading. Love it. I will read any and everything I can get my hands on, and when desperate I've even been known to read the back of a cereal box. I'm currently in the middle of Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". If you haven't read it yet, put it on the list. If you're not a reader, put it on the list. You will not be disappointed.  In a few words Don can challenge, inspire and motivate in a way which few writers can. 

With insight and raw honesty this book invites you to engage in the story of your life (more on that in another blog). I bring up the book because it caught my attention when Don mentioned his friends and their teenage daughter.  She was heading down a path that strikes fear into most parents.  The kind of path which brings parents into my office dragging their teen behind them with a look mixed with anxiety and exasperation asking me to "fix them".  Through conversation with Don, the father realizes that his daughter was choosing the most enticing story she could for her life and he set out to create a story that would be more tempting than the one she was choosing. This father realized you cannot force your teen to change, you cannot verbally berate them into submission, neither can you shame them into choosing what's "right". You will only succeed in pushing them further from you. They will choose the story that is most loving, kind, accepting, exciting and fun. If you are struggling with your teen, I encourage you to try the following: Take an honest look at the story of your life and make some changes. Create an environment your teen will want to engage in. Build relationship with them, take on a challenge together, accept and love them for where they are, adopt a better story for yourself and watch them crave a better story for themselves. Will this solve all of your problems? Of course not, but its a huge step in a more positive direction.

Julia