Yesterday, a new client came into my office and started talking about the discontent in her life. I invited her to tell me her story and before long she was disclosing information that was deeply personal. "I've never told anyone about that before," she confessed. It was another reminder of how vulnerable people are willing to be simply because they trust the counseling process.

It's interesting to consider the conditions under which we allow instant intimate access to some people, especially those in the helping professions. This morning, I made another trip to my dentist to have a loose crown cemented. (It fell out last night during a session. Embarrassing, but that's another story...) The new dental assistant introduced herself to me during the chair's slow recline. Thirty seconds after learning her name, I opened wide while Christy poked and pulled on my teeth. I let this person, who was a stranger just moments ago, wiggle her fingers around in my mouth. Why? Because I trust the process. I had a problem and I believed she could help me, so I granted her access that others don't have.

Counseling is like that, and more. People open up more than their mouths; they often bare their souls to us and invite us into their private pain, shame, fear, and frustrations. It is an awesome privilege that demands responsibility. We accept that. And we, the counselors at Charis, are sincerely grateful to those who trust us enough to let us join them in those private places.

The Visit
you let me in and lead me through
the rooms that others see
so well prepared, each item there
placed right where it should be

then down a hall and to the left
you press against that thing
that moans against its slow retreat
into the darkening

you shudder as it pulls you down
this old familiar gloom
but rest right there, i'll start a fire
and we'll be warmer soon

Tim Tedder

It doesn’t take long once you hear the newscasts and read the papers to figure out that we live in chaotic times.  Japan’s tragedy, Libya’s upheaval, gas prices skyrocketing, and the economy still in the doldrums… all these are a reminder that all is not as it should be.  Life, in the words of M. Scott Peck is “difficult”.  I am reminded during times like this that I continually long for life to line up and be perfect.  I want my ducks in a row.

Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that it will not happen.  Right about the time when things start going well, something breaks down: a car, a relationship, a body, or a dream.  After some time it will leave you in despair asking the question, “Who’s in charge here?”  The answer is found in Jesus’ words to his disciples in Matthew 6:28 ff: “And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the lilies of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire , will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”  The answer is not cliché, it is reality.  God’s in charge here…

So as you go about this week, take a minute, 60 seconds, to center and reflect on the fact that whatever happens, whoever is hurting, there is a greater purpose and a Greater Power at work in all that transpires.  “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  God’s in charge here…

Jim

Funerals are always sobering and cause a deeper and more poignant reflection on life, death, and the significance of relationships.  The funeral that I attended on February 12^th was all of that and more.  My young friend Eddie was killed in an auto accident.  He was 19 years of age.  It was and is a tragedy.

During times like this, life is reduced to the essentials.  The question that dominates my thinking is “What really is important?”  When a life ends abruptly just short of two decades, how does one find any solace and comfort at all, let alone meaning and purpose.  But here are my essentials that keep me focused and also help me avoid despair:

1.  God is God, and I am not.
2.  God is still in control.
3.  I need to live my life knowing that I am not a permanent fixture in this world.
4.  God is the One who gives comfort.
5.  I need to constantly learn what it means to be Christ-like.
6.  The only true joy is found in loving God and loving others.

In times like these I find that my sorrow can either be a weight or a wing.  If I allow my sorrow to weigh me down to the point where I disconnect from others, then it will be a hindrance to my growth emotionally and spiritually.  But if I embrace my sorrow and allow God to use it to more deeply understand Him and those around me, then what is painful becomes a necessary tutor in my journey on this earth. 

“As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.  But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear Him, and his righteousness with their children’s children – with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts… Praise the Lord, O my soul.” - Psalm 103:15-18, 22

Jim

I find that people are often confused about the difference between forgiveness and trust. They are not the same. Forgiveness says, "I choose to let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I choose to act according to the belief that you will not let me down." There are circumstances in which I may genuinely forgive someone, but never trust them again. For example, I can forgive a business partner for stealing money out of the account, but decide to not risk working with him any longer. I can forgive a babysitter who hurts my child, but never ask them to provide childcare again.

Much of my counseling work focuses on helping couples navigate the rough waters of affair recovery. One of the waves they have to avoid is the belief that once forgiveness takes place (1) the offending spouse will experience a return to "life as normal," including no more questions about the past or expectation of accountability in the future, and (2) the offended spouse will need to choke down concerns or questions about their partners's current and future behavior since real forgiveness means forgetting. These are lies.

Forgiveness is a gift; trust should be earned. In an affair, forgiveness opens the door to trust, but the couple has to travel that path together before they reach the destination. The trip may take more time than they planned.

The person who had an affair and wants to rebuild their marriage must be willing to go to extraordinary measures to earn a spouse's trust again. I find that the willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has really ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.

The person who has been betrayed should understand that forgiveness is an important step toward their own healing and recovery, but is separate from the choice of trusting a spouse again. But the good news is that genuine trust can be restored over time.

To read more about the steps involved in affair recovery: www.affairhealing.com/recovery

Tim Tedder