I’m Amazing! I’m Pathetic (Broken)!

I’m a counselor, a therapist, a healer, someone who knows about brokenness and what it means to be healed. I’ve had a messy life and I’ve suffered abuse, loss, disappointment, ridicule and embarrassment. I’ve also had blessings and good things happen in my life. All these experiences mixed with my personality and unique perspective on life makes me who I am. — I’m amazing!

I’ve been in and out of counseling for over 10 years now and have learned a lot about my inadequate views of myself, others and the world. I’ve learned about my behavior, my feelings, my brokenness, my sinfulness. And I’ve changed—a lot! There are things I used to struggle with that I don’t anymore. There are things God has brought me through that have caused me to become emotionally, spiritually and behaviorally healthier. — I’m amazing!

Over a year ago I graduated from RTS with my Masters in Counseling and through it I learned a lot and grew a lot. I started to believe I am worthy of love, I’m an amazing person who has something to offer others and it makes me great at what I do. But somewhere in the last year since graduating I started believing I had it made. I was done growing, done digging deep, done living in brokenness and constant self-evaluation. A few months ago I stopped going to counseling. I thought I had arrived. — I’m amazing!

But over that past few weeks things have changed. There were some losses, some disappointments, some struggles in our marriage, poor parenting moments, worry about money, the future, etc. I started doubting myself again, worry set in, anxiety came back and with it eventually depression. Now I don’t feel good about myself anymore. And with that some old habits (not good ones) have returned to my life. I can’t believe I’m “here” again—you know the place where I need counseling because I can’t make it through on my own. I’m a counselor for crying out loud! — I’m pathetic!

So, last week, I met with my counselor again to talk through some of what’s been going on and how I’ve been disappointed that I haven’t been able to bring my A-game to life like I used to. Instead of looking at how to get back there, we talked about my need for feeling like I have to bring my A-game. What does it do for me and why am I so judgmental of the brokenness I am currently experiencing? It turns out I only love the part of me who can live a productive live, but not the part of me who struggles to live life and is broken. She was right! I hate that part of me. I can’t stand him. He needs to get his act together and get back to where he was producing. — I’m pathetic!

But I have something new to learn here. If I can only love the amazing parts of me, the talents and gifts I know I possess and use but I don’t love my brokenness and inadequacies, I don’t have true self-love. If I don’t truly love myself, I am also not truly letting others and God love me, which means I am missing out on relationships and life as a whole. This might explain my spiraling downward trend in past few weeks. Because I believe — I’m pathetic!

I have to get back to bringing my A-game to love myself—so I thought. But my counselor is proposing I need to learn to love my B-game, my C-game and my F-game too. They are all part of me and aren’t going away anytime soon. I started this blog with the title “I’m amazing! I’m pathetic” because it’s how I truly view myself sometimes. But a healthier and more loving way to view myself is to say — I’m amazing! I’m broken!

Trent Murray