Celebrating a Loss

As I sit here contemplating all the issues I would like to blog about, something about this day cannot escape me.  Though the world moves on, thrusting its urgency upon me, this day must be remembered.  It was 14 years ago – I had just experienced the greatest highs and lows of my life, all within the span of 19 days.  The birth of my first baby brought the most exquisite love I had ever experienced.  I was completely enraptured by my beautiful Ellie, with her head full of wavy dark hair and dark blue eyes.  But within a week, the bottom fell out of my world and she was in critical care, awaiting heart surgery.  After a successful surgery and two more agonizing weeks of waiting and praying, an angel brought her up to the hands of Jesus. 

Today marks that day, and though it is hard to explain the pain of holding our daughter for her final moments on earth, I know it is a day that must be celebrated.  After all, she entered that glorious place, to be held by the King.  It was a new beginning for her, and for me.  It was a starting over place for me.  I had so much confusion about God… so much anger and so many unanswered questions.  It began years of searching for answers.  What I found instead of answers was a Savior whose very presence sustained me and restored my soul.  I had no more aspirations of my own.  My dreams had died and I reluctantly submitted the ashes of my life to God, to do with as He wished.  It was easy to be available to His purposes alone when I felt I had nothing else to live for.  To my surprise, I found that in my nothingness, in the absence of my own agenda, I found joy.  Real joy. More than I had ever known before this pain broke my heart.  God’s word came alive to me in ways I had never known before… “Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.”….”Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  He did what only God could do… make beauty from ashes.  He made the worst thing into the best thing.  I am grateful for the changes God made in me and in my perspective on life.

This wasn’t the last heartache I was to experience, but it was the first to truly teach me that God is enough for me, whatever comes.  The more I know Him, the more I want to know Him.  And the more I know I can trust Him to “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”  Happy Angel Day, Ellie.  We are all celebrating your life today and the beautiful way God has used you to bless us.

“See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.”  Exodus 23:20

Kelly

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