I hate feeling disappointed but bad news arrived this past week and I felt very blue. There is a verse that says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” This week, my heart (emotions) felt hurt when I found out my husband had again been passed over for a job at the Space Center. After over 30 years helping shuttles roar into space, he was laid off in July 2011. Since that time he has worked 6 different part time jobs. My heart has broken over and over again as I see him struggling with minimum wage positions. When we heard that companies at the Cape were beginning to hire again and that his name was on a list of people they wanted to come back, we were excited. He emailed his resume and waited. On Friday he found out that he had not been chosen for the positions. Tough news to receive. I felt angry, hurt, disappointed, and frustrated. I had questions for God but He did not answer. Why did our hopes have to be stirred only to discover that he had been passed over? It really hurts.
I realized I am grieving…so many things; and I don’t know where to turn. My friends who have walked this path with me the past 2 ½ years have heard my story ad nauseum. Each time David went for an interview for an advertised full time position only to discover the job was part time and no insurance, they listened to my disappointment and dried my tears. I just didn’t want to talk about it with them again. Honestly, I felt alone.
I realized it’s just me and God.
Working through grief of a disappointment can’t be rushed. That is why when times are hard and someone says “Just count your blessings!” or “You think you have it bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” doesn’t help. It also doesn’t work for someone to criticize me and tell me I’m a wimp…”just get over it”. When I am grieving, the best way for me to heal is to feel every inch of the pain and begin to get back on my feet when I’m ready.
I discover that I follow my own time table, not anyone else’s. I find comfort in the fact that feelings are fluid. By experience I know emotions run high and low. When I am feeling down I remind myself that my mental state can turn quickly and that brings me relief.
If I can just wait for a bit I will feel good again.
Another important piece of my grieving process is the importance of my faith in Jesus. Many times listening to worship music or reading Scripture begins to lift my mood and change my focus. I am able to remind myself that when I feel my life is out of control, God has me in His sight. Words cannot fully express how much He means to me.
Jeremiah 29:11 states: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
These words turn my feelings of disappointment into thoughts of inspiration and even anticipation. I remind myself of the countless times I have felt despair and then God does something to turn my life around. How many times have I acted so afraid and unsure of what is happening in my life only to come to the conclusion that it’s going to turn out right for me and my family? I desire to trust more, to feel peace, and to acknowledge that my love for God and family is really all that matters. I am a rich woman because of the relationships that surround me.
By the way, my husband is my hero. I am blessed indeed.