The concept of Loss is so large that it is impossible to try to address the vastness of it in a simple blog. The concept, in its entirety, has been something that I have been pondering for some time. In this blog I am focusing on loss as related to death in particular.
I just spent the weekend in Denver at a memorial service for a woman with whom I grew up with. In many ways she had been given the title of second mom to me and my siblings. I have known her since I was 5 years old and our families had spent more than a decade celebrating every holiday together. Her health had been ailing her for quite some time and so Nancy’s death came as more of a blessing than anything. Sitting in the memorial service, it was hard to describe the feelings that I had. I was thankful she wasn’t suffering anymore, but there was such a sense of loss with it. She was the keeper of secrets. And had a memory of things that I had long forgotten or had not even remembered. Nancy could remember things that I could not. I had not lived near her for many years but whenever I saw her it was like no time had passed. She would ask me things about myself that I had long ago lost interest in, had changed my opinion on, or was in process of rethinking what I thought. I had a history with her that I have not had with any other adult woman. There is such a sense of loss in that. No one will ever be able to replace that.
I was talking with her daughter, my long time friend Tina, and she said something about our friendship that is so true: You can’t replace time. No, you cannot. It has made me think more and more about time, life, dreams, and desires. Life is short. Nancy was nearing 80 but lived a full life. It was evident by what people said about her at her memorial. As I listened to what people were saying, but set my gaze on the absolutely majestic Rocky Mountains, I began to think about the concept of a full life for myself. I ask these questions of myself, but I encourage you to ask them of yourself as well. Am I living to my full potential? Am I living well? Am I allowing myself to dream and create? These are just a few to get you started.
I am in the process of asking myself these questions with no conclusions as of yet, but I am enjoying the process of asking them and letting my heart, soul, and thoughts go where they go. Nancy was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination; however, I believe she did not have regrets at the end. I don not want to have regrets either.